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Whoever said education standards are falling just might have got it right!! The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire , UK. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
My Great Great uncle came over to Cyprus to celebrate his 95th birthday. As he'd been a widower for over 20 years I decided to treat him to a trip to a strip club. While we were in there, the girls kept coming over, like they do, to try and get you to pay for a lap-dance. Later on, a girl, who was offering "extras" came over to my G-G-Uncle and started murmuring "Super-Sex, Super-Sex, Super-Sex." A few minutes late another came over to him and said "Super-Sex, Super-Sex, Super-Sex". When a third girl came to him and said the same; "Super-Sex, Super-Sex, Super-Sex" he finally replied, with a resigned look upon his face....... "Could I have the Soup please"
THE CARING GRANDFATHER A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . Easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy. At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little bastard's name is Kevin."...............
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?' Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.
I was in Tavistock today and had a chat with one of the workers who was removing benches for next weeks Goosie Fair. He had an Argyle hat on and me my Argyle coat which led to the chat. His mate came over after 5 minutes and asked him if there was any chance he could do some work. Don't take any notice of him he said he's a Liverpool supporter. I asked him how come he lived down here and spoke without a scouse accent that he supported Liverpool. Answer was his dad was from there. I asked him where he was born and he said Germany as his dad was in the Army at the time. Quick as a flash my Mrs suggested he might support Bayer Munich as he was born in Germany. Why would I do that when my dad is from Liverpool he asked. With a cutting glance in his direction she just said think about it.(you have to think about it a little) She has such a vicious tongue when she wants to have.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!' 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!' So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!' Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' 'Nope..just when it's raining.'
Amen! *LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...... Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
