‎72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ****!, the light goes on. When I'm done, ****!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and ****! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, ****! the light goes off?" "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
My Mrs said to me yesterday "Harry--you never take me anywhere expensive!". So I said "Right, get your coat on --we're going down to the petrol station!"
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
U.K. HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030? Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India " formerly known as Australia .. Jersey executes last remaining Greenie. White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK 's third language. Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged. Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice. Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to top people saying what they think Britain 's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years, which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Serves them right Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032. Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone. Global cooling blamed for the Australian (Little India ) citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches. New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons. Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent Bradford won this years FA cup final
My wife had a 'near death' experience today.... Silly cow thought she could Hoover while the football was on
Two blokes bump into each other in the supermarket.One says to the other,"I'm so sorry! I've lost the Mrs, and I wasn't concentrating on where I was going!" The other says "Thats OK! By coincidence, I've lost mine as well! Perhaps we could help each other and look for them together". "Great idea" comes the reply, "What does your wife look like?" "Well , she's 27 years old, quite tall, blond, quite a large bust and she's wearing a tank top, with quite a short mini-skirt! What does your wife look like?" To which the other guy replies, "Forget her! Lets look for yours!"
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales girl, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the girl serving the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Mick was talking to his Chinese neighbour, Hoo Hee, over the garden fence! Hoo Hee says "Your house and my house, exacree the same ,yeh?" "Yes!" says Mick. "So, you're rounge an my rounge exacree the same yeh?" "Yes, they are identical, Hoo Hee!" says Mick " How many roll wallpaper you buy when you decorate rounge?" "I actually bought 12 rolls, Hoo Hee!" "Fank you, I got to decrate rounge!" The following week the guys were chatting over the fence again and Hoo Hee says " How many roll wallpaper you say you buy?" "I bought 12 Hoo Hee! " replies Mick "Da's stwange! I buy 12 and now I got 5 roll left over!" " That's right Hoo Hee! I had 5 left over as well!"
A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No ..... ," he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible ...... !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ....... ? He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married .... ..... "Oh .. . .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat ..... ?" The man shakes his head .. . ., "No ....... They're all at her funeral."
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' 'What type of bra' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type'. ' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from'. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.' The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills. Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs. {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain. {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up! They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen
DO you fart in bed? THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'LOVE YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!
EVER WONDER ..... Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Jeff and Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York and order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks, "You guys been on vacation yet?" "We're off to England next week," says Jeff. "We go every year." Barman says, "England'sgreat,theculture, the history, the queen." Jeff replies, "We don't go for that ****, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the f*****g car!"
Why we like the British True Reports from British life .........!!! BRITISH NEWSPAPERS Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Apparently Rooney is so devastated with his fathers involvement with match rigging he's not going to finish the 1-1 draw with Montenegro tonight..he's comimg of in the 57th minute ....alledgedly
You must be kidding!!, what a waste of a bet ...1-1 and 57th minute sending off...you were way out on that one son (by two goals and 18 minutes!!)
