Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Just logged in to post that one

 

I live 5 minutes from my local pub... but for some reason it takes 40 minutes to walk home... the difference is staggering!

 

I used to live 2 minutes walk from my local, bottom of the road.
It took me 4 hours to get home one night after a lock in.
Mind, I did wake up in someones hedge in the next road

 

I hope this works.. I'm amazed that I have never seen this one before.

 

Did you read it in a Brian cough voice or was it only me

 

I said to my doctor, "I'm having serious problems with my memory."
He said, "Give me an example."
I said, "The other day I spent two hours in a multi storey car park trying to remember where I'd parked my car."
He laughed and said, "That's nothing to worry about, we've all done that."
I said, "I don't own a f*cking car."

 

It's our 30th anniversary today so I said to my wife.. Do you like Paris?
Yes she replied, excitedly
Do you like Barcelona?
Yes she replied almost in tears of joy.
I said.. Good, get some beers in the fridge. PSG v Barca is on TV at 7pm.

 

A young Jarrow woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Shields ferry."

 

Very poor effort mate ...

... this is the home of crap jokes and you're raising the standard far too high.

 

Well I liked it..

 

That made me laugh.

 

If it's crap jokes you are after Smug, I'm your man, just ask my grandkids

 

My favourite for the grandkids is,

'Where do you buy cheap ducks?'

'Quacksave!'

 

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?


A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.. My kids all liked that one..