George Clooney is rumoured to be making a film on the life of Jimmy Savile. It's going to be called: "Oh, she's eleven!"
My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.
Ole flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Ole is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Utd are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Ole gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Utd. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped, and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f*cking fault we came to Manchester in the first place!'
A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" " Not exactly answered the doctor......... "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes!!.
I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard! MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the trinity centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2020 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
