I hate people who bang on about their phobias. I've got a fear of heights but I don't shout it from the rooftops.......
I was telling my neighbour that during lockdown my wife and I took up woodwork... I didn't know you were carpenters replied the neighbour.... Well I said, we've only just begun...
When we bought our home, the estate agent thought it would be nice to send flowers for the occasion. They did arrive but the card said, “Rest in Peace”. I was angry and called the florist to complain. When I told them, the florist said. “Oh sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home”.
Took my stupid dog to the vets yesterday. Daft sod ate a load of Christmas tree lights he had found. When the vet made a fuss of him, his little face lit up.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s*it?"
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine. It’s our family hair loom.
