I was in the garden earlier when my wife shouted down from the bedroom window. "Fancy coming up here and sucking my tits?" she said. "I can't be bothered coming upstairs," I replied. "Just take your bra off and I'll do it from down here!"
I was pulled up for a drugs test, driving a minibus load of nursery school kids ... ... the traffic copper said he'd noticed my pupils were really small
I got caught wan*ing down by the river at Barnard Castle by the police they asked me to explain myself so I told them I was not sure if my eye was working correctly so was just testing
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
My grandad was a drug user and dealer, and so was my dad. I tried not to follow in their footsteps but I guess that its just in my blood.
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems that there's a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure about what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind, and I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all of his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times that they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises.... The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before he realises, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven . . . . now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think that I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with nothing but rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand, stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... Today you voted
Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask him "Where are you going sir?" Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races" "But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman. "I know" says Paddy," I'm taking the non-runners first !"
