My weight loss goal is simple. I just want to lay on the beach without having marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' "No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid, steel stone-ground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good!
A gang has been caught making counterfeit Kipling Bakewell tarts. Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.
I told my mate that I get really nervous when it comes to public speaking so he gave me a bit of advice and reckoned the best way to get through it was to imagine everybody naked. So I did just that only the problem was I got a bit aroused and everyone could see my hard-on. They'll never let me take the school assembly again that's for sure.
