In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. One of the question I got wrong was -where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Geordies is not the correct answer either.
Apple have apparently scrapped their plans for their new childrens iPod. Someone mentioned that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
Mr & Mrs Potato take baby potato for a walk. Baby pot runs out into the road and gets knocked down by a car. Baby Potato is rushed to hospital and is in the operating theatre for several hours. When the surgeon comes out he says to Mr & Mrs Potato "We have been able to save Baby Potato, but unfortunately he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
These were great to wake up to this morning, and then i come back to them and still laugh tonight!! Well done.
A man goes intohis local bookstore and shyly asks the young lady assistant "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title. " She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man beams, "That's the one - I'll take a copy."
A man walked into the ladies department, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' 'What type of bra?' asked the sales assistant. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' ' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bra's in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bra's to choose from.’ Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled,the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Proof That the World Is Nuts In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. ! (Much worse than 'going blind!') *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~ In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???) (Did the government pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
This is not a generalisation about all Scot's, simply an observation about 1 in particular. > Medical comparisons > > > > An Arabic doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney > > out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' > > > > A German doctor said, > > 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one > > person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.' > > > > A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a > > heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work > in two weeks.' > > > > The English doctor, not to be outdone, said, > > 'Hah! We can take an arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street > > and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.'
I have posted the disclaimer so i am covered. Even they must agree Gordon Brown was a prat. Be he Scottish, Welsh, English or flaming Belgian!!!
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! Bonnie Rarker!
Here was me thinking you meant Tony Blair! Both prats, so no offence taken Am only upset that you sent Brown back up here - couldn't you find a hole for him down there?
Some funny things, although some are not too PC. So if you are easily offended, stop reading now... I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!! I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong?" Boy says "Me Ma is dead" "Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?" Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now." Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!! Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut. Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "B****s to that" said Paddy "that's the last time I go lion dancing" 63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack,a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
