Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

My mother used to wash my hair in lager It wasn't until years later that I discovered I'd been Fostered.

 

Or do you need a hand

 

A teacher is taking class and raises the subject of stammering claiming that it is only humans that suffer from this as no other species has developed the condition.
Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "Miss, my cat used to stammer" Finding this hard to believe she asks Johnny to elaborate. "Well Miss, one day my cat was sitting in the garden when next door's Rottweiler kicked the fence down and went for him. Our cat managed to say "ffff, ffff, ffff" but before he could say "F.uck Off" the dog killed him"

 

A guy gets married and decides it is best to lay a few ground rules to his new bride he says "Just so you know, I will go out whenever I want and I don't expect any attitude when I get home and whenever I do get home I expect my dinner on the table. I'll stay out with my buddies as long as I like and will drink beer, go for a curry and play cards all night if that is what I want and I won't take any back chat from you about it either, are we clear?"
"Not a problem" says his wife "but just so we are both clear there will be sex here at 10pm every day whether you are here or not"

 

A boy comes home looking sheepish and his mother asks what's wrong "Well, erm, I have something to tell you. I had sex with my teacher today" The mother hits the roof and starts screaming that she is going to call the school, the Police and storms out of the room. The Dad leans over to the boy with a huge grin and a wink and says "I know Mum is upset but I just want to know how proud of you I am! I tell you what, how about we go down to that bike shop and get that shiny red bike they have in the window, you know the one we didn't get for your birthday, and you can even ride it home today"
"Wow, thanks Dad" says the boy "but I don't think I will be able to ride it home, my arse is still too sore"