How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWERS: English Police Officer: Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights. 1: Does the man look poor and/or oppressed? 2: Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3: Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4: Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5: Am I dressed provocatively? 6: Could I run away? 7: Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand? 8: Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings? 9: Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society? 10: Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? 11: If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 12: If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 13: If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Australian Police Officer: BANG! American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'Click'...Reload... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Glasgow Police Officer: "Haw, Jimmie! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
Before my surgery, my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether / oar situation.........
I was struggling on a crossword. 5 across, 6 letters: 'Someone who has not had sexual intercourse yet' _ I _ G _ _ Oh hang, just got it.... GINGER
THE GIRAFFE TEST 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it. The correct answer is - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.) 2.How do you put and elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the door put in the elephant and close the refrigerator? - Wrong answer - Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.) 3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend . . . except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there (This tests your memory) 4.There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct answer. You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. (This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes)
