If you were a tattoo artist....

And you could tattoo any footballer with anything you like,

Who would you humiliate and how?

I'll get the ball rolling.... Harry Redknapp with a David Bowie style lightning bolt across his face.

Or Karl Henry with a cock on his cheek. And all jizz goin in his mouth. The dirty ****.

 

Joey Barton's face on Diaby's forehead.

 

Errrrm Mick McCarthy with an arrow pointing out his dirty dirty nose

 

A stupid little smilie onthe inside of Nile Ranger's lip . . . . . . . oh wait!

 

I'm scared of needles so I'd just shoot De Jong in face.

 

Tiotes face all over Carroll's legs.

 

a roland rat hat on gary nevilles head

the words "fire ******ant" on harry redknapps forehead

the word 'fragile' on sholas cheek

"well Hellooo dear!" on brucies back

 

Shave he who shall not be nameds hair off and tattoo GERRARD WAS HERE with a arrow pointing down

 

The question is, would you do the tattoo on his saggy face as it lies or on a stretched out and pinned back version? Either way I would say you're going to struggle to keep the straight lines of a lightning bolt consistent. We have to think about these things practically, it can't all be fun and games and 'what ifs'.....

 

That would be quite a size

 

"***** the rapist" with a ****** smiley on Titus brambles face...

 

"Daydream Believer" or "Cheer Up!" on Brucey's foreheed.

 

Incidentally, if he would let me, I'd tattoo a picture of a back pocket on Tiote's bum and continue to add the faces of every player who has had the privilege of being in it, week by week. Trouble is, I think I'd quickly run out of bum.

 

Fellani and De Jong. Not sure how they could look any worse mind...

I would Tatoo Fallani's backside to De Jongs face and vica versa lol

 

Like a stretched out ballbag.

 

Colo's flowing locks onto Andy Johnson's head

 

Good point, the obvious solution would be to iron said faceskin until relatively flat then stretch it over an ironing board and fix it in place with clothes pegs and/or carpet tacks. Draw lightning bolt as a single diagonal spike, with out the jagged edges, from above his right eye then coming to a point near his mouth, wiping any bullshit out of the way in the process. This might sound crazy, drawing what is effectively a long pink & silver triangle but there is a method to the madness!
Un-tack the faceskin, keeping the tacks to one side, and leave it to regain it's malleable, foldy consistency. Once the faceskin has returned to it's original disgusting form you should find that the enormous folds have gave the triangle a "lightning bolt" sort of shape! Arrange slightly until the perfect bolt has appeared then hold in place with the aforementioned tacks. Punch the **** in the face for good measure and HEY PRESTO!

Your very own Ziggy Redknapp!

 

I'm sure there is a rule to how long a tattoo artist is allowed to work on the skin in one sitting. There is a quicker way and that is to attach a horse to each corner of his face and have them bolt. Whence bolting is complete, quickly arrange the afore mentioned lighting bolt shape/diagonal stripe and recall the horses.

I think this should work out faster than tacking and ironing so give you added time to write insulting messages under the melty face skin flaps.

Hope I've been of service,

 

"She told me not to do it" on Brambles dick!

 

"Ther'es not enough roo" on AC's.