A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".
Can't make the #NottingHillCarnival this weekend? No problem, simply recreate the whole experience at home by bashing some upturned saucepans with a spoon for 16hrs, cough up £10 for a homemade hotdog, stab yourself and then hand over your wallet to a complete stranger. Sorted
There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.
“Excuse me”, I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus today, "but you appear to have some semen on the back of your jacket." "It's not semen", she replied, "It's probably yoghurt." "I doubt it", I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".
Sean Connery was interviewed by Parkinson, and bragged that despite his elderly years, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with you. Let’s go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and my cock in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my ballsh in your left hand, and my cock in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your cock in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I slept with a shcouser, she shtole ma wallet."
please log in to view this image A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
I've just returned from hospital after the bowl of herbs I was carrying in the garden blew into my face. The doctor has told me that I am now parsley sighted.
