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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

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  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
    He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
    The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
    He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
    The drunk replies,"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
    The preacher, shocked at the answer,dunks him again but for a little longer.
    He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
    The drunk answers,"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
    By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
    but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
    The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
    "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
     
    #4981
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4982
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4983
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I've just read that 1 in every 3 people cheat in their relationships ... I'm wondering. . . Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating
     
    #4984
    kiwiqpr, Jun 17, 2019
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  5. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention....

    53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

    Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

    Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

    Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

    After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

    Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

    So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

    After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

    Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

    Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

    But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

    Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

    Silence hangs over the stadium.

    Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

    Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

    'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
     
    #4985
    swantastic, Jun 18, 2019
    Taffvalerowdy, Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4986
    kiwiqpr, Jun 18, 2019
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4987
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 18, 2019
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4988
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 18, 2019
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4989
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 18, 2019
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4990
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 18, 2019
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4991
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 18, 2019
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4992
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

    "Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

    So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

    And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

    "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

    "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

    "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

    "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

    "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
     
    #4993
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4994
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to the Patent office to register some of my camping inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
    I said, "A folding bottle."
    She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
    "A Fottle."
    "What else do you have?"
    "I have also invented a folding carton."
    Again she said, "what do you call it?"
    "A Farton."
    She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
    I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket
     
    #4995
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The worst pub I've ever been to was called "The Fiddle"

    It really was a vile inn
     
    #4996
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4997
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4998
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
    "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
    "Tiger Woods."
    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
    "Yeah."
    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome.
    I can see why you went to bed with him."
    The husband and wife then make passionate love.
    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
    "Tiger wouldn't do that."
    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
    second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
    "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
    "Tiger wouldn't do that."
    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
    When they finish he's tired and beat.
    He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods,
    To find out what the par is for this damn hole!!
     
    #4999
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5000
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 19, 2019
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