A man walking along the beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to France so I can drive over anytime I want.”The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the sea! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.” The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.” The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Got a phone call from my friend today , I said what you up to, and he said he was eating Alfresco. I spent 2 feckin' hours in the supermarket searching for alfresco and I just couldn't find any, can anyone help me out where i can get some ?
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit at a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there and the nervous Sergeant replied, "Sir, as you know, there are 50 men here on this post and no women. Sometimes the men have 'urges' and that's why we have Molly the Camel". The Captain says, "I can't say I condone this but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to the back of his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with Molly. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "So, is that how the other men do it?" "No, not really Sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the women are."
In a recent exam, medical students were asked to rearrange the letters - EPNIS - to make an important part of the human anatomy. Those who answered Spine are all now qualified doctors ..... How did you get on ..... I failed
A man ended up in a hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a toy horse lodged in his arse. The doctors have described his condition as stable.
I hired an escort last week, and unsurprisingly I ended up getting f*cked. A wheel came off going down the M4.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done. They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him .
