A car mechanic walks into his local pub in Leeds and after a few beers he tells everyone at the bar that he can recognise any car part if it is placed on his bare behind. Obviously this got a big laugh but he insisted it was true and as a bet he'd have a pint for every car part he correctly identified and would buy the whole pub a drink if he got it wrong. There were some murmurings from the rest of the clientele then a steady flow into the car park with each person returning with something automobile related. First up was the landlord so the mechanic turned around and dropped his trousers after a couple of seconds he said "Steering wheel cover from a Rover" and a big cheer went up as the landlord showed everyone the cover he'd got from his car. Next up was one of the regulars who placed the item on the mechanic's cheeks "reversing light from a BMW 3 series" this got another cheer for the correct answer. This went on for some time and the landlord was obviously concerned about all the free drinks he was giving away so he said he'd like another go. Off he went to his car, popped the bonnet and took out one of his spark plugs thinking the mechanic would never guess what it was. He went into the pub and told the mechanic to bend right over then shoved the spark plug right up his ring piece to which the mechanic shouted "Aye, that's Champion!"
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.”
I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary, she brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache.
I bought my lovely wife a new Makita Drill Driver for our anniversary. She said she had in fact, designed it and showed me the blueprints. Its true, my wife did design it. It has 20 torque settings with variable speed and a 24 hour charge battery. Now she's working on a fully submersible telephone for when she is talking with her mother. God knows she can talk under water night & day!
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it? She replied "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."
Don't forget; it's the AGM of the Weak Bladder Association tonight. If you can't make it, just give us a tinkle....
