Off Topic The dying Swan ~ Joke thread

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s difficult to put down

 

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man,and tells the driver:"Do you want to earn $800 right away?? The driver excitedly says,"What do i have to do?"
"Bring my wife by hair out of that hotel,here's a picture of her,says the husband."After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair,while kicking and beating her and he puts her in the taxi,and the husband says to him,"This is not my wife!! The taxi driver replied,"Noooo!,this is mine,Hold her for me.I'm going for yours!!

 

Number two on the list reminds me of visits from the “WinkyWannky”bird, I used to get.....still do!

 

Craig Pawson and that linesman are two of the biggest jokes seen this season.

 

My Dog chases people on a bike .

It's got so bad I've had to take his bike off him !

 

A man goes into a butcher shop and says “a steak and kidley pie if you please!” Assistant replies “steak and kidney you mean sir?” Customer retorts “that’s what I said didlei?”

Fug me, That’s and old bugger Masky!

 

Bear walks into a bar and asks for a whisky and.........................cola.
Why the big pause said the barman?
I was born with them replied the bear



..sorry

 

Horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The landlord says "why the long face?"........

 

A man walks into a horse and says "I'm trying to get to the bar".

 

A man walked into a bar, he said "ouch", it was an iron bar.

 

A fish swam into a wall.

It said "dam".

 

A man walked into a dam. He said "Oh no, not another horse"

 

It's getting silly now.

 

Or filly now?

 

A young ventriloquist was touring
Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going
through some of his standard dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th
row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've
heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her
worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. It's
people like you who make others think that all blondes are
dumb!''.
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologise, but the blonde
interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this!
I'm talking to that little **** sitting on your lap'' !!!.

 

Man walks into a bar and there is a white horse serving .

Man says , " Do you know , they serve a whiskey in here named after you " ?

The horse replies " What , Eric ?"

 

Sandwich walks into a bar and says " pint of Lager please "

Landlord replies

" I'm sorry we don't serve food here " ...

 

Man walks into a pub with a roll of Tarmac tucked under his arm .

" Two pints of lager please Landlord .

One for me and one for the road "