BREAKING NEWS: Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys. A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted."
I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine"... I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles"... Officer, "Why not"...? I said, "It was buy one get one free"...
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
The wife said she wants a Philips 42 inch for Christmas. Where the f*ck am I going to get a screwdriver that big?
Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day. I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office........
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
