Nicked from a Stoke board. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her, since today is their 20th wedding anniversary. So she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter, dear?” she says in a concerned tone as she steps into the room. “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?” The husband looks up from his drink and replies, “Today is the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.” She can’t believe he has remembered, and she starts to tear up as well. Looking back at the past The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies softly. The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shottgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in priison?’” “I remember that too,” she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****er had a window cleaning round.
