I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls... The most common one seems to be, "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
A lady is very upset because her pet Chihuahua has only been placed second in Best Of Breed at Crufts so she decides to speak to the Judge and get some advice on how to win. The Judge tells her that her dog only came second because it had hair growing on its chin. He advised her to apply Immac Hair Remover Cream for 2 weeks just before next years competition to ensure 1st place. So 2 weeks before following years Cruft Show off she goes to the local pharmacy and asks for a tub of Immac Hair Remover. The assistant asks if she has used it before to which she says she hasn't. Assistant tells her not to wear a tight blouse after application to allow the cream time to work on armpit hair. Lady replies indignantly that the Cream is not for her arm pits but for her Chihuahua. The assistant replies "in that case madam don't ride your bike for a couple of days."
Now the transfer window has shut, Liverpool fans are disappointed that they didn’t get Bale. They are going back to Court next week to try again.....
PADDY'S LAST WILL! Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The f*cker had a window cleaning round."
Wife's dumping me cos of my obsession for rugby, I'm gutted, can't believe it, I begged her for one last try.....
