Ask the Chairman

I assume he means my good friend Gio DiStefano, although I have no idea what he thinks Gio knows.

Oh bugger. The bag's completely split now. NURSE!!

 

That's an image I will have forever!

 

How are you going to deal with all of the protesting morons - sorry I meant fans, at the next home game....

 

Why would I need to deal with them? If they want to pay to come into the stadium and shout at me I'm happy with that.

Ahhh. That's better. Thankfully nurse had a supply of extra-strong colostomy bags. I knew that curry last night was a bad idea.

 

How's Melvyn Levi doing these days? Heard he made himself a tidy little sum not too far back.

 

I imagine Melvyn's absolutely fine, although if I were him I'd have been asking for much more than £50k. I made more than that selling the bloody match programmes. And that, right there is why I own Leeds United and Melvyn doesn't. The man seriously lacks ambition.

 

Mr Bates,do you have sons/daughters who will continue shafting us when you croak?

 

Yes, five of them. And if you think this is a shafting, wait for the January transfer window. Do you think that this club has been anything other than a business since 1994? You do understand that businesses exist in order to make money, don't you?

Right. Having a short break now. Nurse says I've got to take the green pills and they always make me a bit sleepy. Probably back in an hour or so.

 

Mr Bates,can you lend me £100 to cover me getting blootered this weekend after you`ve made us the laughing stock of the leagues,yes all of them!

 

No, but please do feel free to spend the best part of £4 for a pint of "lager" while you're in the stands. I say "lager" but I reserve the right to sell you the filtered contents of my new colostomy bag instead.

 

Holy mackerel,it`s not £4 a f`ing pint? Local store sells Strongbow 2lt bottle for 3.74(4 pints),poke watching Bates` money making pot?

 

That'll be Carling then.......

 

Bates rip-off,basically get blootered at home,stay there,we lose,money saved,sorted?

 

No cash in Bates coffers,good result?

 

When you eventually pop your clogs, hopefully sooner rather later, any chance you could present your ashes to the Leeds fans for burial. The new toilets in the east stand would seem an appropriate place to flush you

 

I just think the sooner you DIE, the better i will feel, and the better everyone will feel, infact ive had a dabble of your wife, and her minge looks like the face off predator!

 

Unfortunately not. I've arranged for my ashes to be reconstituted into bank notes. Seems appropriate somehow.

 

How rude. I'd never say a thing like that about young Larry's Mrs.

 

Dear Mr Bates,just go away please,i`ve asked nicely,pretty pleeeze?

 

That's not strictly a question, but the answer is no anyway. It's not like I'm hanging around, - I'm only allowed to spend three months of the year in the UK.

Now, where's nurse gone with my dried frog pills? Hmmm.