When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket.
A duck waddles into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barman, have you got any grapes, the barman replies No mate this is a pub not a grocers. The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck returns to the pub, waddles up to the bar and asks have you got any grapes, the barman says, I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes this is a pub not a grocers. The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck returns to the pub and asks, have you got any grapes, the barman is now apolectic and screams at the duck, I keep telling you, you dumb stupid duck we don't sell ****ing grapes, if you come in here again and ask for grapes I'll nail your stupid beak to the bar!!!! The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck waddles into the pub goes up to the bar and asks the barman, have you got any nails, the barman is somewhat taken aback by this, and says well actually NO we don't have any nails. OK says the duck can I have some grapes then please?
The staff at McDonalds are so friendly these days, when a fat bird served me earlier she even apologised for the weight.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the barman, Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. So, the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for £52.00. The drunk says, I haven't got £52.00. The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for £68.00. The drunk says, I haven't got £68.00. The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living crap out of him, and throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, Barman, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the barman says, What, no drink for me this time? The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you start drinking.
In an effort to determine exactly whats happened out side Parliament in London yesterday, the police were seen questioning a number of letter boxes in the immediate area!
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN!!! Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up his arse. The Doc says "**** me thats gone up a fairway".
My wife kicked me out the other day, she said it was because I was obsessed with cowboy movies. Ah well, this town wasn't big enough for the both of us anyway.
Jesus was supposed to be a very wise man, though I'm not so sure myself. I mean, I know I certainly wouldn't trust a bloke called Judas - would you?
On my way to work this morning I was stopped in a police 'spot check!' Apparently I've got two pimples and a boil!
I don"t agree with Vodafone"s advertising campaign.It states "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community" Now correct me if I"m wrong but that"s the Pikeys!
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned that they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander. A government spokes man said, "nobody expects the Spanish acquisition."
Ann Summers new vibrator for women is so realistic! Just before you reach a climax it cums, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself off.
