Someone has just stolen a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the pants, she just needs the twelve pegs back.
The missus thinks I'm a right nosey b*stard... I wish she'd tell me to my face rather than writing it in her diary!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
Sinéad O'Connor has offered to sing the Prince classic at Barry Chuckle's funeral. Nothing Compares 2 me 2 you.
Jimmy went out shoe shopping with his girlfriend. He asked her, "Which ones do you want?" She told him, "Jimmy Choos" So he said, "Alright, we'll get the f*cking cheap ones!"
A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill. He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is walking from car to car, speaking with each driver. The Policeman says, “There are three Immigrants blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East . So we’re taking up a collection for them". The Man replies “How much have you got so far?” The Policeman responds, “About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.
I was kneeling at the graveside earlier, crying my eyes out. "Why did you have to die", i cried. "Life will never be the same again, everything is one big horrible mess since you died". A passing priest heard my cries. "Its ok my son", he said as he placed a hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me. "God only takes the best. Tell me my child, was is it your wife who passed away". "No Father", i replied. "Her first husband" !!!
