The barnsley joke page

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My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.

 

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Just seen that Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson.

'His speech is improving and he can nearly string a sentence together,' said Fergie.

 

I bought a new pair of trainers from the drug dealer down the road.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

 

• Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some Canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year!
• 
  
• Surely 90% of men in Manchester do that every weekend?

 

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I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.

We took the A4.........

 

ITV1+1...... so that people on benefits don't have to get up so early to watch Jeremy Kyle.

 

BBQ RULES:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

 

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Today marks 16 months without drinking a drop of alcohol or any kind of wine. Six months of eating 7 fruits & vegetables a day, 10 glasses of water, no carbs or red meat, and 8 hours of sleep a night. The change in my body & mind have been fantastic ! I feel great, I lost weight, & my way of thinking is very positive. I am planning to keep this up because I choose to. I exercise every day.


I have no idea whose post this is, but I was happy for them, so I copied & pasted it.

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My teenage son is conducting a social experiment by wearing a Manchester United shirt to test for reactions.

So far he's been punched, abused, spat at and pushed down the stairs.

Tomorrow he leaves the house .......

 

My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go.
He passed away peacefully in his sheep......

 

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