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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    In Antigua, a steak pie is $2.69
    In the Bahamas a steak pie is $2.99
    In Dominica, a steak pie is $2.99
    In the Dominican Republic a steak pie is $2.39
    In Haiti, a steak pie is $2.39
    In Jamaica, a steak pie is $2.49
    In Saint Lucia, a steak pie is $2.39
    In Trinidad and Tobago, a steak pie is $2.19

    These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
     
    #1741
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 6, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • A man feared his wife Peg wasn"t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
    • Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
    • The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
    • Here"s what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
    • If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
    • That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
    • He says to himself, "I"m about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
    • No response.So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Peg, what"s for dinner?"
    • Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
    • Again he gets no response.So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
    • Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what"s for dinner?"
    • "Frank , for the FIFTH f*cking time, CHICKEN!"
     
    #1742
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11.
    • Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects.
    • The Brummie says to him, "there were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did".
    • "Thanks buddy," the fireman replies.
    • "You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.
    • "Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.
    • "Birmingham," he replies.
    • "Birmingham? What state"s that in?" asks the fireman.
    • The Brummie looks around and replies, "about the same as this really..."
     
    #1743
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2018
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.
    • He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?"
    • Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today."
    • So the man orders some,
    • The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."
     
    #1744
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1745
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2018
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1746
    kiwiqpr, Feb 7, 2018
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Girlfriend's are like buses. You wait for ages, and I like the bendy ones the best.
     
    #1747
    kiwiqpr, Feb 7, 2018
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  8. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played forJuventus.
     
    #1748
    swantastic, Feb 9, 2018
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  9. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

    How about achieving 103%?

    What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:

    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    And

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But ,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and
    Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

    Now you know why Politicians are where they are !
     
    #1749
    swantastic, Feb 11, 2018
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Terrible day. Parked my red Tesla convertible outside Cape Canaveral Space Center and I’m pretty sure it’s been towed.
     
    #1750
    kiwiqpr, Feb 11, 2018
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  11. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    Oh very good, is that the wife driving it?
     
    #1751
    neveroffsidereff, Feb 11, 2018
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  12. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    27858895_10155305181940509_9220256265855589279_n.jpg
     
    #1752
    swantastic, Feb 11, 2018
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1753
    kiwiqpr, Feb 12, 2018
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1754
    kiwiqpr, Feb 12, 2018
  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    From just £3 per month, you can help us supply clean child prostitutes to all our staff.
     
    #1755
    kiwiqpr, Feb 12, 2018
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1756
    kiwiqpr, Feb 12, 2018
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1757
    kiwiqpr, Feb 12, 2018
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    now what
     
    #1758
    kiwiqpr, Feb 12, 2018
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1759
    kiwiqpr, Feb 13, 2018
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1760
    kiwiqpr, Feb 13, 2018
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