Wow! You have done amazingly well to get to St. Austell from Lelant Saltings in a week! That is seriously hard walking, total respect to you! Funnily enough I’m in St. Ives this weekend and we’are walking to L.S. tomorrow, as a pre-lunch warmer. We’ll get the train back, no point in getting too warm! All the best for the next 2 weeks, and say hello to Talland Bay and Looe for me when you get there, probably tomorrow the rate you’re going!
Changing the subject totally, I cheered myself up by going to see “The Death of Stalin” this evening. Do go, it’s hilariously brilliant, written and directed by Armando Ianucci, with a fabulous cast.
My mate at work who gave me his season ticket (Brighton) to watch the Saints match is still waiting for his programme. He specified I buy it from his lucky stall and it was in immaculate condition (he's a bit of a saddo, he also wanted me to wait and get Saints autographs on it, I wasn't prepared to gothis far). So I deliberately got it from a different seller, and although it was in immaculate condition when I bought it, as my wife put it, "the state you got home in, he's lucky to get it at all". I know he's going to replace it anyway... I don't know if I should even bother giving it to him... I tried.
Good morning, everyone. I need some relationship advice, if you would be so kind as to give it. Basically, long story but atm I'm living with my gf in her twin sister's house because back in July my job came to an end and I had no job lined up so I was free to move anywhere, my gf was moving to her twin's sister's house and it was suggested that I move there too so we can 1) live together 2) While I'm looking for a job I can have a more understanding landlord who doesn't seem me as merely a source of income. Anyway, the dynamic of my relationship is slightly unusual in that there's the three of us, and I get on well enough with her but... yeah, it's not your typical relationship. The thing is, however, my gf/landlord's mum comes over. A lot. Like twice a week, which wouldn't be so bad but she nearly always stays the night when she comes over. I think there have been weeks where she's been over three times. For me, it's a bit awkward because well, I don't get to see my mum much, going entire months without seeing her so in a way it's like... highlighting that in a way. Also, at this point (three months or so since I've moved in), I was kinda thinking we might be a bit more, independent. A bit more... adult, shall we say. I have nothing against her mum at all, and she's nice enough, but like I said it's just a bit awkward the fact that she stays over so often. And when she does, I don't know, it just changes the atmosphere subtly. Not in a negative way, just a different way. I guess it feels less relaxing and less... casual, like more on edge. Also, seeing as I'm now employed again, I don't have a great deal of free time and seems a bit odd to share it with my gf's mother (I don't mind sharing it with my gf's sister, though recently I've created a spreadsheet to ensure everyone gets the chance to have some alone time with my gf (her sister and me) occasionally). I don't want to tell my gf she can't see her mum and I wouldn't want deny her the opportunity to see her mum... but surely it would be good for both of us if we had a bit more independence and breathing room? I mean, I guess it's not the normal situation in relationship to have their parent sleep over several times a week. Is it? I don't know. But how could I approach it with my gf, without inadvertently causing offense? She did one admit that it might be awkward for me with her mum coming over (which I guess, is quite significant that she recognises that possibility) and that it might be seen as "rubbing in" (her words) the fact that I don't see my mum much. I just said, something on the lines of "Well, not intentionally" which I hoped was a subtle way of possibly saying maybe so, but I think that conversation fizzled out and we started talking about something else and nothing else has been said since then. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but feel free to verbally destroy me if I am being an unreasonable jackass. If I am then I apologise. Or should I just say nothing and woman up because I'm in the wrong here?
Sounds horrendous to me. You'll have to make your own mind up, but here's what I think. A: I wouldn't have gone near that kind of set-up in the first place. You're not living with your gf, you're a lodger in your gf's mum's surrogate home. B: I'd get the hell out, and give your gf the option of coming with you. You explain that you don't feel comfortable, you explain that you'd like to feel more independent and just go whichever way she decides. C: Be aware that just because something might seem convenient, it still might be totally the wrong decision. eg moving in there in the first place, or dtaying there just so that you don't rock the boat. It's your life too! As I said, it's up to you but I'd have my trainers on already.
You can have the convenience of the living arrangement, but put up with the inconvenience of it being the mum’s house. Up to you. Talk to your girlfriend. Communication is key, otherwise she’s just guessing. Make plans in the meantime so that if she wants to, you can get a place of your own. FFS ditch the spreadsheet.
I didn’t even reach a spreadsheet ... thankfully. I perked up a bit when he started at moving in with girlfriend and twin sister, but then he wasn’t looking for the advice that I thought he was going to be asking for
It's not her mum's house, it's her sister's. That's what makes it more... odd, the regular visits. They don't even live in the same city. Well, not too far away, like 40 minutes drive or so. But still. Ideally, I'd like to move out as soon as possible and move into my own place with my gf, but my pay is dreadful so at least in my current living arrangements, I can actually save a bit of money. Hopefully I can save some and we can move out at some point soon. And the spreadsheet seems to be a sensible way of preventing arguments and things from escalating. Yes, I shouldn't need to have a spreadsheet in a relationship and it's pretty ****ed up that it's necessary, but... I guess I've got to make the best of the situation. I agree communication is key, it's just... bringing it up,and wondering how to do that unless she mentions something that I can jump at. Thanks for not calling me an unreasonable jackass though.
Why don’t you take your girlfriend to stay at your mum’s place for a weekend if that’s possible? If you demonstrate that you have a need for family time yourself, that might be a signal to your girlfriend that your living arrangements might not be exactly perfect, and it could be a good way of beginning a dialogue about the way forward. Otherwise I agree with those who say get out and find your own place, with or without the gf. That wouldn’t mean the end of the relationship, but it least you would have a say in who stays in the house.
It’s her sister’s house, not yours. So to a larger degree you have to lump it. If the sister wants the mum over, that’s up to her, not you. Make time outside of the house to spend quality hours with your gf, and chat to her about it.
I see your point, but given that I'm paying rent (yes, at less than I would in the private sector, but still not an insignificant amount), surely I should be allowed some input? If I wasn't paying rent, or only a token amount, then yes, I'd completely agree. Anyhow, I'm not saying she can't have a mum over, it's just the frequency which is problematic. I mean, I was expecting maybe her coming over once every 2 or three weeks maybe? Especially at this point in time, several months after we moved in. Even once a week would be tolerable so long as she didn't spend the night each time. Likewise, I love my mum but I wouldn't want her over all the time nor would she want to come over all the time. Just, you know, occasionally. I would think that's normal.
You should suggest that you move in together in your own place because it would be lovely to have your own home with her.....do not make any comment about her sister or mother. Insist you are grateful that her sister offered you a temporary home. Do not understand why you would do a spreadsheet to share time....anyone who did that to me would be straight out the door. YOU THINK TOO MUCH.
Just remember how long it takes you to get a compatible gf....this one suits you...don't blow it for a temporary situation.
I'm trying to avoid that, hence why I've not done anything about the situation yet. And obviously it's down to her when her mum comes or doesn't come, but I'd like to think my point of view would at least be... considered. I guess. Because I don't think it's a completely unreasonable point of view...
You would hope so, but what does your gf do? She, like you, is in her sister's house. Do you think her sister is going to tell their Mum not to come over....I'd hate to be in the room for that conversation. You and your gf have to go out more now and eventually get your own place. This is not going to work for long. Your problem is if your gf is very happy there and doesn't seem in a hurry to move...girls like families.
Blimey, I came to this late. On a side note, what's motivating the mother to come over so often.? Is her life a bit empty that she needs the occasional company of her daughters.? Did the twin sister move to her own house recently.? What I'm trying to get at is, is Mum feeling the withdrawal of her daughters' everyday contact.? So she turns up all the time. If so, such behaviour may fizzle out eventually. Just sit tight. Oh, and erase the spreadsheet from all existence.
Those of you following @Relentless Saint Supertramp and his epic journey around the toe of England might be interested that he went past here last week on his first leg. This is looking North to Godrevy lighthouse across St. Ives Bay. I was there this morning!
