40 mins Kane scores past Kane... but the ref says "**** off, England fans (is fans the right word? I feel we are so apethetic it's more akin to being football addicts... whereas a gambler might be compelled to wager on two snails fighting it out over a 1m distance, we are lowered to watching this bastardization of our sport) haven't suffered enough yet... no goal!"
If England's play was a career... it would be either working for HMRC in the recoveries unit, or painting the forth road bridge.
Slovenia celebrating like crazy before kick-off. I can only assume someone has suggested they sack off the game and are off to play jenga instead.
Kick off part 2: kick off harder Slovenia disappoint everyone and decide to postpone jenga. This **** is exactly why Brexit happened.
The only way this game will ever go down as memorable is if Raheem Sterling somehow manages to find a way to kick his own head off.
47 mins Chance of the match!!! Slovenian by great granny crosses from the left, over every England defender, and Slovenia 7 heads at Hart, who is so shocked the ball is anywhere near him he has an epileptic fit and almost spoons it out.
52 mins This is the moment where we all decide to take a nap, safe in the knowledge England will never, ever score
56 mins Almost 3!!! Walker goes on a pulsating run, burning past player (not plural), and then going for a nutty... not today. Slovenia survive a nutmeg whitewash.
56 mins Either I own Bernard's watch, or space-time has been broken by this game. Prof Brian Cox is the literally the only one who could be intrigued by this festering turd of a game.
The bloke's going grey. He's not blonde. Think I might dye my hair brown before next Earlemburg Rally...
Highlight of the game update 4: Harry Kane (the one playing for us) is worth £170 million according to the paper, yet Real could sign the whole Slovenian team and still have enough change from 20 Euros to get stuff from Aldi for a fiesta! Also 63 mins Rashford should score when through on goals. Goes for the Fifa chip, and Slovenia 3 saves the day.
64 mins Sterling almost scores, assisted by Lingard. No idea when he came on. I presume I was in the England induced coma. He could literally have come on for any of the midfielders, there's genuinely no way of knowing.
