Day 1 - LIW admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Pags. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Sheesh later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality. 2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Jud creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. SWW hits him with a cucumber. 3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Elland Road out of mashed potato. After much persuasion by LIW, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task. 4 - Training for the Elland Road task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Malv, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the mash potato. SWW is furious. 5 - Today is the day when the Elland Road task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Jud farts and blows Elland Road over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Sheesh cries. 6 - Shako gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day. 7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Pags admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a cucumber. Philth says he never wears condoms because they make his cock sore and Jud agrees. SWW goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring bastards. Sheesh sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up LIW. 8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. LIW goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Philth and Malv are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for LIW. 9 - Philth and Malv are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Pags sings them a song â Marching On Together - to make them feel better. 10 - The public vote Malv out of the house. He pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that he should never have been a lazy bastard. Malv leaves. 11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Malv's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Pags has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Pags is visibly depressed and is comforted by LIW, who tries to touch her on her breasts. 12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of LIW touching Pags's null over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it. 13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Jud refuses to run because his cock hurts a bit. 14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Jud finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. SWW calls Jud a lazy ****. 15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Philth tells everyone individually that he thinks Pags is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Pags and Jud are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for SWW. 16 - The nominations are announced. Pags can't believe she's been voted out. Jud is equally stunned and turns to SWW for comfort. Sheesh is distraught and confesses to Philth that he thinks he is in love with LIW. 17 - The public vote Jud out of the house. Jud says he is gutted and even gives SWW a clipping of hair from his pubes to prove how much he cares. SWW is also devastated but keeps her hair to herself. Jud leaves. 18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Jud clipping the hair from his pubic area. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar. 19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Outer *****lia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it. 20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Outer *****lia sounds like but Pags says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose LIW as the one who must complete the task. 21 - LIW successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Outer *****lia but also God Save The Queen, Marching On Together and the theme tune to Little House On The Prairie. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him. 22 - Nominations are due and LIW tells everyone that he has a Villa in the Monaco and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Pags, Sheesh and Philth are nominated. 23 â Pags, Sheesh and Philth take their nominations well and sit down with SWW and LIW to discuss why they voted for them. LIW keeps quiet but SWW accuses Pags of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred twat before bursting into tears. 24 - The public vote Sheesh out of the house and nobody really gives a ****. Sheesh leaves. In a shock surprise, Philth also gets voted out and thanks his fans for his support. He professes his love for Malv. 25 - LIW becomes the first housemate to have a ****. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of LIW's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a ****er. 26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of mash postato using only a Cucumber. SWW is unsure but LIW is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget. 27 - Completely out of the blue, SWW breaks down in tears and announces that she is leaving. She claims that it is because the mash potato task has brought back the painful memories of the ****ed up incident from her childhood. Pags tries to persuade her to stay but LIW sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. SWW decides to leave. 28 - With only two housemates remaining, the mash potato task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Pags from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden. 29 - Nominations are due for the final time. LIW asks Pags to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly LIW nominates Pags to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Pags. 30 - When the nomination is announced, Pags graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that LIW is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. LIW takes his £70,000 and runs away to Monaco. Nobody, including Pags, ever sees him again.
Makes achange to have a bit of brevity on here, well done Pags, but a bit worried about you and the boy, as you mentioned cucumbers at least 4 times, me thinks that LIW's sausage is inadequate for you, and wished that Malv wasn't such a lazy fat bastard
Good morning my fav yorkshire rose. Did make me laugh that . Bates for the big brother house though. No one would ever vote for him.So as to keep him in there...LOL
I do try and it’s a Friday. Time for fun Doc – we need a bit of chuckle at times and with Big Brother starting yesterday I thought it was a fun way to do it. and hes more than adequate for me I do love Sheesh though as I was texting him about who was going in I mentioned about the traveller Paddy Doherty going in…and his response was really...oh he will be able to get rid of that horrible stereotype of travellers…I was thinking eh I don’t think so…turns out he thought he was an activist, not the bare knuckle fighting daddy of them all from Big Fat gypsy Wedding I had to chuckle.
YNBK.. I could only have a certain amount as it’s a 30 day one. We will include you in other stuff don’t worry lovely.
No I meant Im gutted that LIW ran away and we never heard from him again haha NOT REALLY he can keep his 70k
REAL big brother maybe (all the deluded fools think they will win though lol) but a 606 big brother…nah way man. It would be queen of the mac lol.
Instead of Big Brother, it could be called "Big Moron" with King Ken as the presenter. Obviously the £70k prize would then get changed to a pukka pie which LIW would probably prefer!! Larry Grayson could present the after-show "Big Moron Little Moron" though I'm sure the stuttering fool would not get many viewers!!
