Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I've just seen an article about a female pornstar that gets $18,000 to do anal.
I now feel sorry for my girlfriend - she doesn't even get a warning.

 

I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.
I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.
Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.
I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.
With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.
Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,
"You've ruined my f*cking KFC."

 

In the land of earthquakes and tsunami, good to see that the Disaster Prevention Centre have their priorities right.

 

Not a joke, just a little amusing.

 

I went for a job as a toilet attendant. In the interview the boss told me to grab a stool.
I didn't get the job.

 

Whilst my wife was showering I took a sneaky look at her Internet browsing history.

I was shocked to see her last search was, "how to enjoy sex with a boring guy with a small penis".

**** me i hope she's cheating!

 

Very awkward moment this morning when my seven-year old son asked me what a dick was.

Fortunately a bloke in a Chelsea shirt was walking by at the time...

 

I spent £5,000 on a boob job for the wife and she was delighted. I then spent another £2,000 on a nose job for her and she was ecstatic. Next I spent £2,000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.

I then spend £30 on a blow job for myself and she goes ****ing mental!

Women! Tsk!

 

Thanks everyone for explaining the word 'many' to me...

It means a lot...

 

I'm not very good at dwarf impressions but, hey ho!

 

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors...

(wait for it)

It's just something I could really see myself doing...

 

I'm not saying my missus is tight but my 11 year old daughter got her head stuck in the railings at Sainsbury's today and she walked 3 miles to Lidl for the butter to free her.

 

I'm not saying my missus is tight but my 11 year old daughter got her head stuck in the railings at Sainsbury's today and she walked 3 miles to Lidl for the butter to free her.

 

well she didnt save much if she had to do it twice

 

It wasn't as funny the second time, was it?

 

Travellers Tips:
In Japan and need a ****? Follow these handy instructions:
1. Assume the correct position

2. Utilise the Toto Washlet (you may know it as the crapper). Do not be alarmed by the heated seat.

3. Concerned about correct operation? Never fear, instructions are provided:

Please ensure that you use the correct pressure for winnet/dingleberry/Clingon removal. No liability is accepted for personal damage through selection of fire hose strength.
Never in the history of humankind has taking a dump been so complex.
File under 'toilet humour'.

 

Why would you need to have a flushing sound
Is the water silent

 

Have you no grasp of polite society? Apparently you press it repeatedly whilst taking a dump so people in neighbouring stalls are not upset by the sounds of your bodily functions. The Toto Washlet flushes automatically when you raise your pert derrière from its luxuriously warm seat.

 

I had to go to the doctors because my penis has turned orange. The doctor asked me if I had any idea what may have caused this phenomenon, but my mind was blank. I mean, all I really do is sit at home, eat Wotsits and watch porn.