The barnsley joke page

I had my audition for "The Chase" today, and the last question was, "What do Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez, and Britney Spears have in common?"

I said, "Mickey Mouse Club." Bradley Walsh said, "I'll accept that, they're all Liverpool fans!"

 

The question on everybody's lips...

What will Liverpool achieve again this season?

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The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

 

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Thank you very much - my pleasure

 

"Hello Police? It"s David Copperfield, My car"s disappeared!"

Police: "Should I report it or clap, sir?"

 

Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living.
"Mary, what does your dad do?"
"He"s a doctor, miss."
"Joe, what does your dad do?
"He"s a pilot, miss."
"Billy, what"s your dad do?"
"My dad"s dead, miss."
"Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?"
"He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."

 

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UNDER no circumstances accept a friend request from the New Zealand rugby team, they are Hakas!

 

Give a scouser a fish, and he can eat for a day.

Give him a fishing rod and he'll put it in your letterbox and nick your car keys.

 

I love my bank, I can text them and they will text me back my bank balance, It's so convenient.

I could do without the Lol at the end of it though.

 

A Dog named Sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."

"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.

He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."