I saw a neighbour jogging yesterday and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse." Then I realised she was running after the ice-cream van.....
Been doing some D.I.Y. around the house. So I rang the local council to ask can I have a skip outside my house. The bloke from the council said "you can cart wheel round the f*cking block for all I care".
Political correctness gone mad! I'm advertising for a new job at my company and so in the advert I politely put "Muslims and Jews need not apply." Muslims are generally cool about it, Jews don"t care - it"s just those ****ers from the council who are round straight away threatening me with a court summons for active racial discimination. Stupid, dopey twats!!. I"m a pork butcher, for f*ck"s sake.
Went dogging with the wife last night, never again, by the time she'd managed to park the car, everyone else had f*cked off
please log in to view this image Its a dogs life alright - no screams no name calling just "OOh you naughty boy" *sigh*
please log in to view this image I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out !!
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11 tall, gorgeous blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure. Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said "Hi" and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was, and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good" she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before...?" "Well, I have" I corrected her. "You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good". I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. "How do you feel now?" she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!" Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their full back, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match". "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet...! She whispered "Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man - have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?" "I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the fu*kin' kick!"
I can't abide people who think they're badly off - a mate of mine was involved in a terrible accident where he lost the use of both his legs and his voice. Does he make a song and dance about it? No, he does not.
Scientists now believe that if you masturbate frequently, you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life. How the **** do these bastard ****-bags come up with this ****ing bollocks?
New words for 2017...... * TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. * BLAMESTORMING Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves. * SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. * CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. * PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) * SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.. * AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * OH-NO SECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e..g. You've hit 'reply all')... * GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. * MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i..e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. * MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. * MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. * TART FUEL Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. * TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female. * PICASSO BUM A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
