I hired a hitman to kill the wife. He said, I'll shoot her just below the left nipple. I replied, I want her dead, Not ****ing kneecapped
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son. “How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” I said “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living. Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?" "Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R." "Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?" Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable." "That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?" "Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again." "OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?" "My dad works as a bookie, miss," says little Johnny. "Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell bookie?" To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes c**t in that book."
Little Sam asked his dad for a bike for his b'day. He said "No son, the mortgage is 80k and your mummy has just lost her job" Next day Sam walked out, with his suitcase packed. His dad, asked "Where are you going son?".. Sam replied, "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you say to mum, that you are pulling out, she said to wait because she was coming too, and I'm not staying here on my own with a 80k mortgage, and no bike..!!
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator... The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them. When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."
If a women changes in front of you without a problem you're either; a) The significant other. b) Gay c) So deep in the friendzone she sees you more like a brother. d) She has no idea that you're in the bushes outside her windows with night-vision goggles on
Airplane Crash An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die. So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.” The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?” Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be d*mned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
Late for his own funeral! · When Uncle Clarence died he was in California. However, he wanted to be buried in Nephi with so many of his relatives. The date and time for the funeral were announced and many family and friends made arrangements to attend. As I recall the story, one of Uncle Clarence's grandsons volunteered to drive the body from California to Utah. Partway to Utah, the grandson's car broke down, and it took about a day to get it fixed. Since by that time many of Uncle Clarences family and friends were also on their way to Utah for the funeral, the family decided to go ahead with the service. The grandson arrived at the location of the funeral after it had already started. Uncle Clarence was late for his own funeral! Many in the family, remembering Uncle Clarence's sense of humor, wondered if being late for his own funeral was one final joke by Uncle Clarence. (Please correct any errors in this account. And think kindly and lovingly of Uncle Clarence as you do so.)
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I banged a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or what?
I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire – “Is Your Man Bad In Bed?”. “It’s just something to do when I’m bored” she protested. “That’s a relief,” I replied, as I carried on thrusting. please log in to view this image
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair lastnight, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
