Abdul was meditating, getting prepared to strap on a suicide bomb, when suddenly his friend Ahmed appeared to him in his dream. "Ahmed, bless Alah! Soon I will be joining you in paradise." "Abdul, you might not want to be so quick to go blow your self up." "Why? Isn't it all that we've been told it is in heaven?" "Well yes, it is very nice, but the 72 virgins aren't what they're cracked up to be." "Really? Why do you say that?" "You ever see what kind of person dies a virgin?"
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
A Dog For FBI Job A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. “Well," says the personnel director, “you’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. “Also," says the director, “you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. “There’s one last requirement," the director continues; “you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!"
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!... Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..... Feel a bit guilty about the w**k now!!..
One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying. So she called Little Johnny to recite in class. "Little Johnny, answer this math question," she said. "If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?" "An orgy," answered Little Johnny
Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation. A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.' As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle". When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said - "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call. ‘It’s me. Please go to my wife’s bedroom and tell her that I’ll be home late from the club.’ I’m sorry, M'lord, her ladyship is already asleep.’ Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the ‘phone,’ the caller demanded Yes, Sir,’ the butler replied. The butler returned and said, ‘My Lord, her ladyship is now in her room with a strange man I have never seen before." ‘Damn them! How could she do that to me?!? OK, here's what you do. Get my rifle, break down the door, and shoot them both.’ ‘Yes, Sir,’ the butler responded. He puts the phone down and after a short while 2 shots are clearly heard. A few minutes later, the butler returned to the phone and reported, ‘My Lord, I tried my best. I shot the man, but your wife dived out the window to the garden before I could shoot her as well.’ 'To the garden? What garden?’ ‘The one adjacent to her room, my lord.’ Long pause. 'Sorry about that, I think I have the wrong number.'
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"
One day, when the Queen of Sheba was a'comin' down to Jerusalem, she fell among thieves. And they said unto them: "Throw down Jezebel!" But they wouldn't throw her down. And they said unto them again: "Throw down Jezebel!" But they wouldn't throw her down. And they said unto them the third and the last time, (because they wasn't going to say it any more), "Throw down Jezebel!" And behold, they rose up and threw her down seventy times seven, til the remains was eleven baskets, and verily, I say unto thee: "Whose wife will she be in the resurrection?"
Its the same as seeing snails talking and combine hervesters speeding along at 90mph..... the author was stoned out of their heads.
Reminds me of the classic German Joke: Did you hear the one about the alcoholic man? He was depressed that has drinking was ruining the lives of his friends and family so he killed himself.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they're very efficient. Knock knock Who's there? The police. Your husband was injured in a car crash and is in the hospital.
These three rednecks were sitting around one day, comparing their wives to see who had the dumbest. The first redneck said, 'My wife's so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don't even have running water.' The second said, 'That's nothing! Mine bought a ceiling fan, and we don't even have electricity.' The third said, 'Aw, that's nothing! I was goin' through my wife's purse for some whisky money t'other night and found a box of condoms. And you know what? She ain't even got a penis!'
