I'm not saying my mother-in-law has a big mouth, but when she smiles she gets lipstick on her earlobes.
George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in. He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words.... "Stavros", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don"t call me "George the Bridge Builder"" "You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don"t call me "George the Hospital Builder"". "And the only church in town.... I built that too, and they don"t call me "George the Church Builder", But you get caught fcuking just one goat......."
Brummie walks into a tailors. "Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please." The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?" Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."
Walked out of the bathroom this morning and said to the missus I've just done the most enormous sh!t, you should take a look it's massive " After calling me a disgusting bastard she went into the bathroom and shouted " there's nothing there you must have flushed it away " I replied " It's on the scales "
Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please." The barman says "Bells alright?" Quasi replies "Mind your own fcuking business."
Drogba said that for him the turning point in the game was when his early penalty appeal was turned down after he dramatically threw himself to the ground. The referee had a point though, as the anthems were still being played.
A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I"ll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can"t play." A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused. The guy says "Ha! you can"t play it." The octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I"m gonna shag it."
Just got myself a pint and said to the barmaid " do you do cash back?" She said yes so I said " good, can I have the £40.00 back I spent last night as the wife's going f:cking mental "
A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months after she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor said don't worry , you had twins , a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you. She said oh no , not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl ? Doc said" Denise". Oh that's not bad she said, what did he name the boy? Doc said "de nephew".
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!
"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife. "WHAT! I'll ****ing kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary!
Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!" Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?" Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
The Health Secretary is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one, who replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a ye take yer place, painch, tripe or thairm, as langs my airm." The Health Secretary is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient,who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickering brattle" Now seriously troubled, the Health Secretary turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?' "No" replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
"Get this," said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But... how?" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home drunk!!"
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY 1. MONICA LEWINSKI 2. O. J. SIMPSON 3. TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON WHY, YOU ASK? You're going to love this! 1. MONICA IS A HOOKER 2. O. J. IS A SLICER 3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND 4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
