A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something 'chosen especially for you'. His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure. On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps. There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"
Like all people who are involved in flying vehicles through the sky, Father Christmas has to have a pilot's license. That means regular visits by examiners from the Civil Aviation Authority. Well, shortly before the Christmas in question, an examiner turned up from the CAA to test Father Christmas' skills as a pilot and check out his sledge. Father Christmas had made sure his paperwork was in order, given his sledge a good cleaning and made sure the reindeer were in good shape and was quite confident that he would pass the examination okay, as he always had before. The examiner looked through all the paperwork and had no problems with that. He walked slowly around the sledge, kicking the runners as he went along. He checked the harnesses, checked the reindeer's feet,* did some power/weight ratio calculations and generally gave the impression that he was happy with everything. Then came the pilot evaluation. Father Christmas climbed into the sledge, fastened his seat harness, checked the gauge panel and said a few encouraging words to the reindeer. Then the examiner climbed onboard and Father Christmas was astonished to see that he was carrying a shotgun. "What are you going to do with that?" said Father Christmas, with more than a little concern. The examiner gave him a little nudge and said "Look here, I shouldn't really be telling you this, but you're going to lose an engine on take-off."
WARNING! There's a link going around it says download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track.Whatever you do don't click on it, it's actually a link to download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track.
what did skippy say when his house burnt down? tsk tsk tsk (doesn't really work, does it? - better live)
I pulled a Gypsy Girl last night. She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time. She wasn't ****ing kidding either, I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers, Ghost Train and I actually came home with a ****ing Goldfish.....
Hope George Michael is an organ donor.... next year at least someone can be singing "last Christmas you gave me your heart".....
My wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed licking a lollipop then she slowly started to slide it in her fanny. "Steady on love" I said "You're going to need that when you cross the kids over the road for school in the morning..
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack. That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
George Michael autopsy results are in. Apparently, he choked on a chocolate bar. He had a careless Wispa.
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it?
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part, 'St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
A little lad in a London primary school gets to take his pet kittens into class. The teacher says to him, "they are very nice, what do they like to do?" The little lad replies, "they like to watch Fulham, miss. "Teacher; "ah, that"s real cute" A few weeks later, she asks the little lad what his kittens are up to. He replies, "they are watching Queens Park Rangers, miss." The teacher says, "but I thought you said they were Fulham fans?" "They were, miss, but now their eyes have opened!"
A guy has a bad cycling accident that results in him losing his penis, after finally being released from hospital and deciding that he badly missed his old friend he decided to go and see a consultant surgeon who specializes in gender adjustment. The surgeon looked at him and said, “wow! the damage here is pretty bad I’m not sure that we can do the normal procedure” When the man started to cry uncontrollably the surgeon said “Wait my friend there is possibly something we can do, I have been experimenting with a new procedure of grafting parts from different animals on to humans and I think I can do something for you” The man says “I’ll try anything Doc, my wife is threatening me with divorce. The Surgeon says “Ok, for this procedure we will initially try to graft a baby elephant’s trunk in place of your penis, it won’t look too odd and in this case it is not too big, maybe 15 inches.” The man agrees to give it a try and undergoes the procedure, 2 months after the operation he returns to the surgery for a check-up and the surgeon asks him how things have been. The man says “Well I can tell you that the wife loves it, it works wonderfully well, I can pass urine and it is really sensitive on the tip if you know what I mean” “Great” said the surgeon, “is there nothing negative?” “Well, just one thing doc, every time I go to the bakery it tries to shove buns up my arse”
One good thing about getting older is that the multi tasking becomes much easier, you can now sneeze ,pee and $hite yourself all at the same time.
A dyslexic bank robber runs into a bank and yells, "Air in the hands, mother-stickers! This is a fÙckup!"
A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
