Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh Fu*k!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?

 

A Travellers wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray.
The next day in court the judge asks the Best Man his version of events.......

Judge: "So then , please tell me your side of the story"

Best Man: "Well your honour, it is travellers tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did.......
O.K., I admit I was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of nowhere the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the pussy"

Judge: "Gosh says the judge that must of hurt.."

Best Man: "Hurt.... he broke 3 of my fingers !"

 

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During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

 

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year.

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.....

 

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin.

So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

 

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it?

 

A little lad in an East Anglian primary school gets to take his pet kittens into class.
The teacher says to him, "they are very nice, what do they like to do?"
The little lad replies, "they like to watch Ipswich Town, miss.
"Teacher; "ah, that"s real cute"
A few weeks later, she asks the little lad what his kittens are up to.
He replies, "they are watching Norwich City, miss."
The teacher says, "but I thought you said they were Ipswich fans?"
"They were, miss, but now their eyes have opened!"

 

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I pulled a Gypsy Girl last night.

She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time.

She wasn't ****ing kidding either, I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers, Ghost Train and I actually came home with a ****ing Goldfish...

 

A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt"
But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

 

Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew.
This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly.
At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fcuker to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the ar*e.