Things you'd put in Room 101

Living on the outskirts of Lincolnshire, I'm fairly sure I once read the roads in this cursed county are home to the worst drivers in the country.

You get these 10 mile long, straight as a die roads, then a 90 degree right turn, 100 yards, 90 degree left turn, then the road is straight again for 5 miles. Despite having deep dykes along the edges which seem specifically designed so if you slide off the road, you will end up upside down and die a horrible death drowning in mud. Despite these roads being so bumpy you bang your head on your car roof as you bomb along at the speed limit let alone over it.

Yet you still get ****s overtaking in their range rovers, vans, or novas in all weathers, sun, rain, ice, snow, whatever.

Baffles me.

 

They're plastic glossy handbags beloved by people who can't afford a decent car but want everyone else to think they're "country folk and loaded".

Closest they get to off road or proper country driving is when the ****s that own them park them on the grass verge outside a school or a shop cos they're too ****ing lazy to park properly and/or walk from a proper parking spot.

They are in fact, an abomination. Get an Audi or a BMW if you want a SUV ffs.

Unreliable ****e too.

You've got one haven't you?

 

Is it true that all Range Rover drivers are exempt from rules associated with disabled parking bays at local shops? Certainly seems to be the case round our way.

 

What the heck was this about? Cycling backlash?

As we are at the end of the school year, parents who think the sun shines out their child's arse and complain when their kid is pulled up for something despite the child frequently breaking the school rules/not following behaviour policy.

New parents who claim their 4 year old is the 'best child in the world' on social media, but moan when I tag other parents in and ask them who actually does have the best child.

Love Island.

Cucumber in alcoholic drinks. Cucumber in anything is bad enough, it's rank, but putting veg in a beverage is just demented.

 

Just be careful if you see that Ecunt on the rerd.

I've heard he acts like petulant teenager when given the finger.

 

Hendricks g&t with cucumber. You're way out of line sterling

 

****s that shoot up my inside bibbing when I'm safely cruising at 60-65mph in the outside lane.

 

Seriously? If somebody served me a slice of veg in my drink I'd gut them like a fish.

Apparently you have a genetic disposition to cucumber. There's a 50% chance you can taste it and if you can, there's around a 50% chance you won't like the taste. To others, it doesn't taste of anything. To those that can, it tastes like perfume in the back of the mouth.

 

Have you ever tasted a proper cucumber. I grew some last year. Taste nothing like a shop bought one.

 

Maybe a sprout then?

 

Im not putting a man's "proper cucumber" in my mouth, even if he has said he will buy me a gin.

 

The first time I had it, it was grown by my Grandpa. My dad told me I'd like it when I was older. I tried it again at 18, hated it even more.

 

Frigid.

 

Oooh, ooh, an excuse for an old joke.

A lincolnshire dad caught his daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"you dirty cow" he says, "I was going to eat that later, and now it'll taste of cucumber".

 

I just presumed they all had a badge.

 

Think it was a bill hicks joke...
Did you ever play that game with your mates, would you do this for a million bucks or do that for a million bucks?
When someone says I'll give you a million bucks to suck my knob!!
Get the money up front...

 

Or the Chubby Brown routine where he's explaining to someone that the man running away had threatened to shoot him if he didn't suck him off. "Blimey, what did you do" asked the passer by. "You didn't hear a ****ing bang did you" says Chubbs, wiping his mouth.

 

Are you speaking from experience?

And that Bill Hicks joke, didn't think he would know Lincolnshire that well.