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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A disturbed tortoise crawls into a police station.

    "I've been robbed by a murderous gang of snails, he announces.

    "Calm down," says a cop. "Just tell us everything that happened."

    "That's difficult," says the tortoise. "It all happened so fast!"
     
    #1921
  2. moreinjuredthanowen

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    RHC will love this
     
    #1922
  3. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Two fools
    A DIG and a Commandant of the Armed Police were relaxing on the lawns of the Mess. The conversation turned towards the orderlies a short while later. Each one claimed that his orderly was a fool. The two decided to compare. The Commandant called for his orderly and said,' Ram Singh, here is a ten-rupee note. Go and purchase an Ambassador car from the market right now and bring it here.'
    'Right, Sir,' said the orderly. He took the note from the officer, saluted and went back.
    Then the DIG called his orderly and told him,' Prem Singh, go to my office and see whether I am sitting there or not.'
    'Right, Sir,' the orderly said and went back.
    The two officers had a hearty laugh, not realising that the orderlies were talking outside.
    Ram Singh was saying,' Prem Singh, look at my stupid boss. He doesn't even know that the market is closed today and the car cannot be bought.'
    'And look at my boss, Ram Singh. He wants me to go and see whether he is in his office or not. Why can't he ring up and find out? I have never seen such a lazy officer in my life.'
     
    #1923
    luvgonzo likes this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1924
  5. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    MAYOR DO YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAID ?


    please log in to view this image
     
    #1925
  6. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    I love this <laugh>
     
    #1926
  7. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    "How often do you masturbate?” a doctor asked his patient.
    “About four times a day,” the patient said.
    “Do you think you can stop?” the doctor asked.
    “Why?” the man asked.
    The doctor replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
     
    #1927
  8. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Q: What does "Marine" stand for?

    A: Muscles are required; intellegence not expected.
     
    #1928
  9. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    Beyonce has just discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
    .
    Can't see her taking his surname somehow......
     
    #1929
  10. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1930
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  11. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    I've thought of a great moneyspinner. I'm going to open a chain of female sex change clinics.
    I'm calling it "Gashconverters"!
     
    #1931
  12. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    My dad was a Royal Marine in WW2 <grr>
     
    #1932
  13. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    <laugh> <laugh> <laugh>
     
    #1933
  14. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Your dad was a smart Royal Marine ! <applause>
     
    #1934
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  15. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    Clever....

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    #1935
  16. organic red

    organic red Well-Known Member

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    <doh>
     
    #1936
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  17. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner...

    A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.


    The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

    "In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

    The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

    "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

    The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

    "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.
     
    #1937
  18. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I"m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits."------BENNY HILL - ERNIE, THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST
     
    #1938
  19. Zanjinho

    Zanjinho Boom!
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    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
     
    #1939
    Garlic Klopp and organic red like this.
  20. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Master ripper, big John, strong as an ox but a bit slow of thought, had his car dented in several places by vandals. He was worried about the cost of repairs and asked Dick the fitter for his advice.

    Clever Dick said,
    "What you need to do is put your car on your drive, go to the exhaust tail pipe and blow as hard as you can. With a bit luck the dents will smooth out."


    Thanks Dick, "That should save me a bit money."

    Big John, went home and tried the fitters remedy. Nothing was happening when his wife came out and asked what he was doing.

    He explained what the fitter had told him.

    A big smile came to her face; "I know why its not working John, you forgot to close the windows."

    She knows you know. (lol).
     
    #1940

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