Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

You may have jumped the gun there, what about this one

I’m fed up with my mates 3 times now they have agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and then not showed up. Here I go again on my own!

 

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

 

Someone I know posts about six to eight jokes a day and they are all truly terrible. He posted those two exact jokes today...

 

• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

 

Was it me?

 

No, let him spill it out

 

Queen reported to the POLICE for not wearing her seatbelt

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(Photo: Getty)

 

"Clothes pins" FFS

 

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says " £30"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and £30 for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "|£30 "

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are £30 "

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you £250"

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for £250!"

 

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A frigid beer is not a good beer.

 

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

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A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up. '

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

 

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A little boy & a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn.
They are both bear butt naked.
The little boy's mom comes around the corner, and catches them.
She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house.
Spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy "don't be messing' with those little girls vaginas.
They got teeth down there, and they'll bit off anything that get near it.
" Well the little boy grows up still thinking' this.
He gets to high school.
He falls in love. 17 Years old, and still a virgin.
Now he's 21, and he asks he's girl friend to marry him.
Still a virgin. He's 24, it's he's wedding night, and he's still a virgin.
They go on there honey moon, and now their in bed.
Their foolin' around. When he gets off he rolls over and turns off the light.
His wife says " wy, wy, wy, just a minute aren't we going to have sex? "
He says "No, my mom done told me about you women, ya'll got teeth in ya'lls vaginas. "
She says "No I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and look."
So, he turns on the light and she shows him.
She says "Well?"
He says "No wonder you aint got no teeth, look at the shape your gums are in "

 

I asked the assistant in Sports Direct what a cricket box was.
Apparently it's a piece of cheap plastic which men put their genitals in.
So, a bit like Katie Price then.

 

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