Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Now......

Thats a burn

 

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'Can I have some Irish sausages please?' Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog.
The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, 'Are you Irish?'
'If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?'
The assistant replied, 'Well...er.... no' .

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'And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't,' came the response.
Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?'
'Because you're in a blooming shoe shop', replied the assistant.

 

Cucumber, Olive, & Penis
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

 

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

 

Bhojali finds himself in dire trouble.His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Ganesh for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Ganesh,please help me,I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, im going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Bohjaji goes back to the temple. "Ganesh please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes Bholaji still has no luck.Back to the temple he goes. "My Ganesh,why have you forsaken me.? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servent to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life in order?"
Suddenly there is a binding flash of li ght as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God."Bholaji, buy a lottery ticket first.

 

last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room.

It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies,

"Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek.

That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.

So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.

I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

 

@Milklahoma

 

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This miserable-looking guy is sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He's been like that for half-an-hour now.
Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and drinks it all down in one gulp. The sad guy starts to cry.

The truck driver is a bit off-put by this and says to him, "Come on man, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

The sad guy sobs, "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone off and I'm late for work and my boss fires me. Then when I leave the office, my car's been stolen. The cops said there's nothing they can do. So I have to get a cab home. After it drives off I realize I've left my wallet and credit cards in it. So I walk into my house only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I walk right out and come straight here. And, just when I'm thinking about ending my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

Apparently the leader of ISIS has gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 71 virgins.
Well at least we know he isn't in Manchester

 

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My mate said he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out his arse!!!.

 

A couple, experiencing sexual problems in bed, decided to see a sex therapist.
After asking a few questions and examining the couple, the therapist recommends they add excitement to their sex lives by adding food to sex.
The therapist recommends the wife plays ring-toss on the man's dick with doughnuts and then remove them orally.
The couple tries it out and has great success.
The husband is telling a friend about the remarkable turn around and the great advice from the therapist.
The friend and his wife, having the same problem, go to the therapiist.
After examining the patients, the therapist says there's nothing she can do.
The couple begs for help.
Finally the therapist suggests the couple plays the same game, except with cheerios.

 

I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.
'Light brown like everyone else' I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be

 

Two wives go out for a girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties!" The other husband said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station.... We'll never forget you'!"

 

A man goes to the doctor's says * I have a problem* after i masturbate..i start to sing...*Glory glory Man Utd * Doc says * Don't worry lots of w**kers sing that.

 

My Virginity Was LOST!!
We Kissed,He pushed me in the Bed,
He told me I shouldn't be scared,
He told me I shouldn't feel bad,
My Virginity Was Lost,
I told him I wanted everything Perfect,
He told me everything Was Right,
Why didn't it Feel Right??
Damn He was a Pervert.
My Virginity Was Lost,
I threw him a Condom,
He said F#ck the Condom,
He kissed me while throwing my clothes on the floor,
He locked the door,
He told me not to scream,
He said this is like Eating Ice-Cream,
He said this was like a dream.
My Virginity Was Lost,
As he Went Faster,
As he went deeper,
The more Pain I felt,
After all this,
Blood scattered the bed,
I took my pants and my belt,
I felt sick and Bad.
My Virginity was lost,
He said to me,
Thanks for the service,
you may now leave the section,
As he threw my bag,
These words I shall remember,
He left me with an infant, Few Months Passed,
He died of AIDS,Meaning I had it too!
My virginity was lost,
He played me,
He used me as his tool, How can he be so Cruel??
I thought he was cool,Damn I was a Fool,
My Virginity was Lost!
Ladies Know Your Worth