Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Sister Mary arrives at the nunnery to find Sister Agnes masturbating with a cucumber. She says "that's ****ing disgusting, I'm supposed to be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber"!!

 

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:
“When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he reaized he had to take a leak , so he told her he’d be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very suprised to see his wife sitting on the john. “How did you get in here?” he asked “Shhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother ”

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating..
You've even named your daughter Candy!'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home ...'

 

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

 

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

 

An old couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them £50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50, and – I get £43 back from BUPA.”

 

Easy for you to critcise, but you don't post any. Wait I am going to post a joke about RHC soon

 

That wasn't criticism, it was a question

 

Why did the Red Hadron Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Why did RHC go down the river? To get to the falls.

What is RHC's favourite women's clothing? A slip.

 

What do you find in a septic tank? A load of ****

 

bazinga.

 

**** off

 

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke
with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.
No way! No needles, I hate needles!€ the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas
and the man objects again. I can't do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
No objection,the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.
When she returns she says, Here's a Viagra and a glass of water
The guy says, Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!
It doesn't” she said, "But it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

 

SCAM WARNING @ Tesco's supermarket, while packing shopping in your car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old East European girls, in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with tits hanging out & ask for lift to next shop as payment.
On the way they strip
and go down on each other.
Then 1 climbs in the front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet!
I had mine stolen last Tues & Wed, twice on Thurs and again today.
Be careful

 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

 

A man was mugged one night walking home..the policeman taking his statement asks "Can you describe your assaliant?" The man replies "He was white with ginger hair"..."Dont worry" replies the cop "we'll get the black bastard"

 

Two Irishmen are relaxing on the beach when they noticed a heavily pregnant woman drowning. Paddy drags her to safety and is performing mouth to mouth when he notices Murphy has removed her bikini briefs and is going down on her. "What the hell are you doing, man?' he says. Murphy replies "You save her, i'll save the baby!".

 

I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C

RHC . Got a cripple word score for that ?

 

OUCH!!!!