Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

 

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotelm when back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

 

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 

It's Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.

 

I thought that was always on a mon'day.

 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.’
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, ‘Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’ Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. At the next light the trucker hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, ‘Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Canada and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!!!’

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

I saw our milkman this morning...he said he's made love to every woman on our road bar one...went in an told my other half...she said "it'll be that miserable ****ing cow at No 15"

 

I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a real girlfriend experience. When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub." We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

 

A secretary complained about her boss..... She said, "My boss is so sex-crazed".

Every time he comes into the office, I must do
the LAPTOP position
and then the DESKTOP position, followed by
the SPREADSHEET format.
I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK,
so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE,
which is most uncomfortable.

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER,ENTER the whole day till he is in
MICROSOFT stage.

Once I tried to ESC but he caught me and Shift-ed me to his HOME where he started
pressing @BACKSPACE, and saying "TURNOVER
today"...


Many a times he works without CAPLOCKS (without "CAP" or HELMET) and sometimes as
an ALTERNATIVE he CRASHES my SYSTEM until
he loses his CTRL and he LOGS IN....

This process continues until I ZIP him and SHUTDOWN his main SYSTEM !!

 

Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.
The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice.
The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "You’ll never beat that!"
The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker: "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Kiwi eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"
The kiwi says: "Look in the Aussie's pocket."

 

Old one that

 

This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"

 

Man goes to the Doctor and says "I have strawberries growing out of my arse."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that.

 

Sadly the man who invented predictive text died yesterday!

His funfair is next monkey!

 

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar!

 

When They Start to Lumber Toward You, RUN!