Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I kn

 

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

 

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

 

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

 

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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, ... We took first and second place.

 

I leave you all to decide who will appreciate this the most

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The doctor has just called me and said "I have your test results in front of me, and I have good news and bad news" I said "give me the good news doc" He said "it says here you have 48hrs to live" I said, "****ing hell doc, what's the bad news?" He replied, "I was trying to get hold of you all day yesterday"

 

A woman was in labour.
Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside
The midwife called the nurse
The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked .
Are YOU my daddy?"
"NO. I am not!"
Once again back in he went
At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in.
Once again the little head appeared.
"Are YOU my daddy?"
"Yes I am"
The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close
When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted
"****in' hurts doesn't it?!"

 

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers Steve, "but it's quivering a little.

 

A man travelling with his wife in the car hit a badger.He got out of the car and lifted the injured badger In the car, he handed it to his wife and said "hold it between your legs to keep it warm"His wife protested saying"but it's wet and ****ing smelly","I know" said the husband"just hold it's ****ing nose

 

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says 'Im cold, I left my knickers at the station', The other says 'let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch em'. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, a truncheon, 2 broomhandles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers

 

You Can’t spell ADVERTISEMENTS without semen between the tits!

 

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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

 

Son: Daddy," I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl"
Father :That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbour's daughter"
Father "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must
promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister"
The boy is naturally bummed out, but couple of months later.
Son: "Daddy I fell in love again and she is even hotter"
Father: "That is great is great son. Who is she?"
Son : "It's Penny the other neighbour's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you you hadn't said that. Penny is also your sister"
This went on a few times the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother
Son " Mum I am so mad at Dad !!. I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date them
because daddy is their father !."
The mother " hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him he is not your
Father".
The son Fainted..!!!.

 

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!