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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    The son of North Korea's Kim issues a warning to Trump.
    "If anything happens to my dad..."
    He sounds quite serious.

     
    #2101
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
    1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
    2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
    3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
    4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
    5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
    6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
    7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
    8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
    9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
    10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
    11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
    12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
    13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
    14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
    15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
     
    #2102
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  3. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    please log in to view this image
     
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  4. Milk not bear jizz

    Milk not bear jizz Grasser-In-Chief

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    Unrealistic. BuzzFeed would also find a way to blame men for it. If overweight preteen girls were piloting Titanic there would be no accident.
     
    #2104
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  5. Sharpe*

    Sharpe* Senior Member

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    Made me chuckle!
     
    #2105
    Alisson Becker is N01 likes this.
  6. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    American ambassador and African diplomat

    A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
    The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
    "I'll show you how."
    He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
    "That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
    "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal!!!
     
    #2106
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    9:30am and the office fat-bird is on her 4th can of coke. She says obesity runs in her family, I said "No love, nobody runs in your family"
     
    #2108
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  10. Prince Knut

    Prince Knut GC Thread Terminator

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    I see the results of Bruce Forsyth's autopsy are out, and he had a seizure: a nice to seizure, to seizure...nice!
     
    #2110

  11. Prince Knut

    Prince Knut GC Thread Terminator

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    Kwara and Hartlepool - twinned towns.
     
    #2111
  12. moreinjuredthanowen

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    **** me, it's never too soon nowadays.
     
    #2112
    * Record Points Total likes this.
  13. Zanjinho

    Zanjinho Boom!
    Forum Moderator

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    Seems quite delayed to me, they usually appear within a few hours, not a few days!
     
    #2113
  14. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    The Real Meaning of “An Apple A Day”…
    My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?”
    “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
     
    #2114
  15. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    No Bedside Manner


    I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
     
    #2115
  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
    Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
    A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
    As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
    'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
     
    #2117
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  18. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....""Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?""Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big ****ing needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"
     
    #2118
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I have now been asked so many times if I remember where I was when Diana died that I'm beginning to think I'm a suspect."
     
    #2119
  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.
     
    #2120

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