Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Just back from holiday in Thailand and came so close to having sex with a ladyboy!!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady,talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.
It was only when she drove me to her house and reversed the car into the garage first time........I thought to myself "hang on a fecking minute....."

 

My mate just rang me in tears.
His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!
Poor bastard.
No woman, no sky!

 

Were out protecting the coast from pirates. As they were sailing, they spot one pirate ship. The captain yells to his seaman

"Everyone prepare for battle" and he calls for first mate and says "First mate, bring me my red coat"

The first mate brings the red coat and they beat the pirate ship.

The next day two pirate ships are spotted. The captain yells out again

"Everyone prepare for battle! First mate bring me my red coat!"

They fight the pirates and win but the first mate was wondering why the captain asks for his red coat every time they fight, so he asks him.

The captain replied "if I were to get injured, you would not be able to see the blood through the red coat and the morale of the crew would not go down"

The first mate thought that was brilliant and never questioned the captain

The following day, as they were sailing, 20 pirate ships were approaching the captain and his crew

The captain yelled out "Everyone prepare for battle, First mate bring me my brown pants!"

 

Little Bobby says to his dad, "Do you and mummy keep birds in your bedroom?"
Daddy says, "No, What do you mean?"
Bobby replies, "Well, last night I was passing by your room and I heard you say to mummy "Do you wanna swallow, or should I let it fly?"..........

 

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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

 

Wrong ****ing thread

 

Really, what did you expect on a "joke thread" a discussion on Jean Paul Sarte, Brexit negotiations, the sex life of the over 55's......

 

A red-faced judge convened court
after a
long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving
who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are,
your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."

 

It wasn't funny, ergo wrong thread

 

Actually. The thread is the joke thread not the funny joke thread. Regardless of whether the joke is funny or not, it belongs. So feel free to comment on Italians and their toes.

 

No.

 

@Zanjinho will.

 

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

I know a joke about Italians and their rubber toes

 

Flying Over The Jungle

A pilot was flying over the jungle when he started having engine trouble. Eventually the engine stopped and he realised that he would have to bail out before it lost too much height and crashed. So he put on his parachute and jumped out of the door. He pulled the rip cord, his parachute opened and he floated gently down towards a clearing in the jungle. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of a large cooking pot in which the chief of the cannibals was cooking lunch. The chief cried out in astonishment, "what’s this fly doing in my soup?"

 

*Man* offers a drink to a woman.
*Woman*: No thanks, I don't take whisky. It's bad for my legs!
*Man*: Legs? Thats strange!! Do they swell or hurt?
*Woman*: No, they open easily!!!

 

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past & sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised & ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin & suck 'em until they're dry

 

True story: Pervert at the hairdressers


This TRUE STORY from my secretary.
Last week her mother was getting her usual "do" when her hairdresser relayed a previous-day experience:
The hairdresser (owner) was getting ready to close up her shop when a man came in and asked if she could give him a "quick cut" before she closed. She agreed, and as she was trimming the guy's hair, he put his hand under the "cape" and the cape started moving. (She became somewhat uncomfortable.)
Then, the lady got REAL concerned when the man put his OTHER hand under the cape and the cape started moving MORE; she thought she was trimming the hair of a PERVERT. She then panicked, took a hairdryer and smashed the man up-side his head, causing him to black out on the floor.
The lady hurried and called 911, police came... only to find out that the poor guy was JUST CLEANING HIS GLASSES!