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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

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  1. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    How do you make a duck into a soul singer? You put it in the oven until it's bill withers!
     
    #1981
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 16, 2017
    BobbyD and organic red like this.
  2. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian says " You'll only lose it"
     
    #1982
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 16, 2017
  3. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    I just got home, brand new thesaurus in hand. I open it up, and all of the pages are blank. Totally blank. There are no words to describe how angry I am
     
    #1983
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 16, 2017
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  4. organic red

    organic red Well-Known Member

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    <doh> <laugh>
     
    #1984
    organic red, Jul 16, 2017
  5. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
    "Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
    That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
     
    #1985
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 16, 2017
    BobbyD and organic red like this.
  6. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1986
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 17, 2017
    BobbyD, organic red and luvgonzo like this.
  7. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.” A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo
     
    #1987
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 17, 2017
    BobbyD, Zanjinho and luvgonzo like this.
  8. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    FFS <doh>
     
    #1988
    Red Hadron Collider, Jul 17, 2017
  9. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    I'm not saying it's rough where I live, but the local shop sells fathers day cards in packs of 5......
     
    #1989
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 17, 2017
  10. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #1990
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 17, 2017

  11. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

    She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 43 years?"

    “Sorry,” God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
     
    #1991
    LuisDiazgamechanger, Jul 17, 2017
  12. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
    'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
    'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
    'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
     
    #1992
    LuisDiazgamechanger, Jul 18, 2017
  13. ITS_NOT_JUST_A_GAME

    ITS_NOT_JUST_A_GAME Active Member

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    #1993
    ITS_NOT_JUST_A_GAME, Jul 18, 2017
  14. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    #1994
    LuisDiazgamechanger, Jul 18, 2017
  15. luvgonzo

    luvgonzo Pisshead

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    ‘I think the rules are all teams are allowed to win the Premier League, right? Klopp joked when asked if Liverpool could end their wait for the top flight title. ‘So yes, then it seems to be possible.

    ‘It’s possible, so that’s it.’



    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/fo...-fans-dream-Premier-League.html#ixzz4nAnoHeYH
    Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

    If we're going into the season thinking anything other than this then something is very wrong.
     
    #1995
    luvgonzo, Jul 18, 2017
  16. moreinjuredthanowen

    moreinjuredthanowen Mafiosi

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    i agree odds are only peoples opinions.
     
    #1996
    moreinjuredthanowen, Jul 18, 2017
  17. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    A pub landlord advertises for a new barmaid and receives applications from three candidates who are all equally suitable for the job. He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same question. "If you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found £10 on the floor, what would you do with it?" The first candidate replies: "I'd place the money in the till. You've been good enough to give me a job and I'm happy with my wage. The money's yours." The second candidate replies: "I would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and that's only fair." The third candidate replies: "I would keep the money. It's a perk of doing such a menial job and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find." Question: So which one got the job? Answer: The one with the biggest breasts.
     
    #1997
    LuisDiazgamechanger, Jul 18, 2017
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  18. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #1998
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 18, 2017
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  19. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    NEW YORK - A public school teacher was detained today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
     
    #1999
    LuisDiazgamechanger, Jul 18, 2017
  20. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    just booked a table for my wife's birthday,
    I do hope she likes snooker
     
    #2000
    Garlic Klopp, Jul 19, 2017
    Nozzer likes this.
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