Off Topic The More Intellectual Gag Thread

A roman soldier walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a martinus please.” The barman replies, “Do you mean a martini?”
“If i’d wanted a double, i’d have asked for one!”

 

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

Two chemists walk into a bar.One says “I’ll have a glass of H20 please.The other chemist says “I’ll have H2O too and died after the first gulp.

 

Standard deviation is not enough for a perverted statistician

 

Why use a long word when a miniscule one will do instead?

 

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react

 

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen.

Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”

Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

 

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

 

You must be in Reading.

 

There is a pub called 100000 Pascals. It is OK but it is less than atmospheric

 

Not really a joke, but I like it.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are hired by a farmer to build a fence that would enclose the largest amount of area possible.

The engineer decides to build a circular fence, since it was the most practical way of enclosing the most area.

The physicist starts building a long, straight fence that would encircle half the world.

The mathematician builds a small, round fence around only himself and says, "I declare myself to be on the outside!"

 

Q, How many surrealists can you fit in a telephone box?

A, A motorbike.




The views expressed in my posts are not necessarily mine.

 

Why do mathematicians think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

 

Ah, as a former physicist I have a lot of these.

What is a physicists favorite meal? Fission chips!

 

Where did Nicholas Romanov II get his coffee?

Tsarbucks

 

What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a car park...
"Over my dead body"

 

A Roman walks into a pub and holds up two fingers to the barman. The barman brings him five pints.