1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

Discussion in 'Newcastle United' started by Albert's Chip Shop, Dec 27, 2014.

  1. smhbcfc

    smhbcfc Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    16,546
    Likes Received:
    10,464
    Liked All
     
    #1701
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 4 others like this.
  2. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2011
    Messages:
    27,389
    Likes Received:
    10,650
    and liked again
     
    #1702
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 3 others like this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
    After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
    A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
    Silence fell over the congregation.
    In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
    The entire congregation said, "Amen."
     
    #1703
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    phew
    that was close
    unluckily you wont not have burnley hull and QPR TO LIKE NEXT SEASON
     
    #1704
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    gary glitters favourite song

     
    #1705
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1945 Colt pistol and yelled,
    "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
    A voice from the back of the room called out...

    "You'll need more ammo!
     
    #1706
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  7. lamby

    lamby Needs a cold shower

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2011
    Messages:
    59,396
    Likes Received:
    42,530
    caught up with some liking
     
    #1707
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Liked a lot <ok>
     
    #1708
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    A farmer went to a local pub and ordered
    a glass of champagne.
    The woman sitting next to him said,
    'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
    'What a coincidence' the farmer said.
    'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
    This is a special day for me too,
    I am also celebrating, 'said the woman.'
    'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
    As they clinked glasses he added:
    'What are you celebrating?'
    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
    and today my
    gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
    'What a coincidence!' said the man
    . 'I'm a chicken farmer
    and all last year my hens were infertile,
    but today they are all laying eggs again.'

    'That's great!' said the woman,
    'How did your chickens become fertile?'
    'I used a different cock,' he replied.
    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said

    'What a coincidence!'
     
    #1710
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Evening fellow Likers <ok>
     
    #1711
    ristac, UTRs, J. J. McClure and 2 others like this.
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    Police Officer Test
    How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
    The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years!


    QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

    You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

    ANSWER:
    Australian Police Officer:

    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

    1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    5) Am I dressed provocatively?

    6) Could I run away?

    7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

    9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

    12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


    Canadian Police Officer:
    BANG !

    American Police Officer:
    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

    'Click'...Reload...

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


    Glasgow Police Officer:

    "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
     
    #1712
  13. lamby

    lamby Needs a cold shower

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2011
    Messages:
    59,396
    Likes Received:
    42,530
    Friday liking
     
    #1713
  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    WALKING ON THE GRASS
    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfacelike grass or a path."
    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you togo walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowlyraised his hand.
    "Yes?" said the Instructor.
    "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

    Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

    This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
     
    #1714
    ristac, lamby, UTRs and 1 other person like this.
  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
    Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
    Other son said “Me too Dad.”
    Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
    The Daughter said ““I do….“”
     
    #1715
    ristac, lamby, UTRs and 1 other person like this.
  16. Albert's Chip Shop

    Albert's Chip Shop Top Grafter
    Forum Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2011
    Messages:
    72,363
    Likes Received:
    37,729
    Evening likers.
    I'm back on the like trail...
     
    #1716
    ristac, lamby, UTRs and 1 other person like this.
  17. Albert's Chip Shop

    Albert's Chip Shop Top Grafter
    Forum Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2011
    Messages:
    72,363
    Likes Received:
    37,729
    My like digit is now a stump.
     
    #1717
    ristac, lamby, UTRs and 2 others like this.
  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,684
    I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
    I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
    He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
    Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
    “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
    “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
     
    #1718
    ristac, lamby, UTRs and 1 other person like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Good Evening fellow Likers <ok>
     
    #1719
    ristac, kiwiqpr, lamby and 1 other person like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Likes all round
     
    #1720
    ristac, kiwiqpr, lamby and 1 other person like this.

Share This Page