The Benefits of Watching Foreign Footy - Djurgarden Match Commentary

While it's unimaginably tedious watching our own team wind down towards an utterly unearned summer holiday, I think this presents an opportunity to broaden your footballing horizons. My chosen team is Djurgarden IF, who today begin a new season (after a disappointing one last year, where a late surge just saw them avoid relegation) against Halmstad. For anybody interested, here is the link to the game today! http://www.bliner.tv/cmore4.html

The level of football isn't as bad as you'd think, and the quality today has actually been really good, so jump on board for the second half! If you want to read more about the (entirely invented) history of my team, my blogs are very informative

They play in the Allsvenskan(wasteEnglandsgoldengenerationandwintheeurovisionsongcontest). Technically, this is their second game, but their first game was abandoned after a fan died, and the others invaded the pitch to stop the game on hearing the news.

So far (I joined the stream at 20 minutes)...

25 minutes: Johansson, the captain of Djurgarden missed a penalty, dragging it lamely wide of the left hand post, after the Halmstad defender was adjudged to have handled the ball...

32 minutes: Broberg scored a toe-poke screamer from the edge of the box after dispossessing his opposite number on the half-way line, and running directly to the edge of the area.

But generally, in front of about 300 of the blondest (sexy) people on earth (you can even tell through the fifteen million layers they're wearing (less sexy)), Halmstad have played a very Pardew-esque formation I like to refer to as the "defence Helms Deep", and Djurgarden's simple 4-4-2 has essentially, as our fearless leader would announce on national TV, aggressively sexually assaulted them. 1-0 HT

This is their squad:

Kenneth Høie - Stefan Karlsson, Daniel Amartey, Emil Bergström, Vytautas Andriuškevičius - Martin Broberg, Andreas Johansson (k), Alexander Faltsetas, Simon Tibbling - Amadou Jawo, Mark Mayambela

On the bench: Hampus Nilsson (mv), Mattias Ostberg, Philip S Mantilla, Haris Radetinac, Yussif Chibsah Philip Hellquist, Aleksandar Prijovic

Tibbling might spark a memory in Footy Manager players

 

For ease of watching:

Numbers
12 - K Hoie
5 - S Karlsson
18 - D Amartey
13 - E Bergstrom
27 - V Andriuškevičius
7 - M Broberg
8 - A Johansson (C)
6 - A Faltsetas
15 - M Mayambela
20 - S Tibbling
11 - A Jawo

subs
23 - H Nilsson
14 - M Ostberg
36 - P Mantilla
9 - H Radetinac
17 - Y Chisbah
22 - P Hellquist
28 - A Prijovic

 

The second half is under way

 

51st minute: Oh no... I thought I'd found the Ameobi of Sweden, as Jawo (11) held off a player momentarily, only to receive the ball, and fall over himself, leaving the ball to trickle out of play pathetically... But then he proves what a one off Shola is, by showing a burst of pace to rescue the situation, keeping the ball in play and using some fancy dancing feet to skip past a player... Ameobi to Pele in five seconds

 

53rd minute: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL... YALLYBALLYYMALDYMOOSESUCKER indeed Mr Commentator... Broberg bombs down the left and puts in a simple low cross, which second half sub Prijovic (28), from now on referred to as Ibrahimovic's sexy cousin, flicks over the defender and buries with a flicked finish... SEXY SCANDINAVIAN BASTARD!!!

 

55th minute: And back to Ameobi... Jawo played in by Broberg, who is rapidly restoring my faith in wingers, after years of watching ours find themselves in a crossing position and then lamely pass to the nearest defender, hits a shot well wide of the goal when he had so much time... I hope he has a collection of hats as impressive as our mecurial 23's, so he has a choice of how to hide his face after that embarrassing effort.

 

60th minute: V Andriuškevičius might sound like a chap with an aversion to man-love and boundaries, but he's desperately close to giving me an erection, as he unleashes a dodging, ducking, dipping, diving and dodging volley from 25 yards, but the goalkeeper catches comfortably, because he isn't a show-pony in a "top league".

 

66th minute: Dangerous attempts at sexy Swedish total football by both teams, as they take turns at exchanging possession and refusing to close down the opposition, as I notice Jawo looks a lot like Snoop Dogg. He'll be ego trippin' if he scores today

 

68th minute: Ibra's sexy cousin basically has sex with the Halmstad number 25 down the right wing, and the referee somehow decides he was fouled. I suspect rejecting such a handsome man's advances is considered an offence in Swedish football.

 

70th minute: Jawo's having some Ups & Downs here, as Halmstad are Torn Apart... But he looks a little like a Cry-Baby here, as he goes down holding his foot. Medical advancements in Sweden seem to have stalled since the Viking period, as a hamfisted medic drags him off the pitch like a warband pillager taking some British Isles booty back to his longboat, and then proceeds to poke at Snoop's football boot, in what can only be described as reminiscent of a man's attempt at buying shoes when his wife is around... "touch the end... yes, I confirm there is a toe at the end there... now walk around a bit... see you can walk, we'll take them"...

 

72nd minute: Amartey (18) launches a Tiote impression, Carew-penalty missile-interceptor, into orbit...

 

Your fingers not getting tired yet?

By the way, I think you've spelt Andriuškevičius wrong.

 

79th minute: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS RRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Who says Pardew is an idiot?! A blatant Pardew-inspired punt from the left back finds Ibra's sexy cousin, who knocks it on for Snoop Dogg to tap at the goaly, then collect the rebound, round him, and pass into an empty net... Game Don't Wait for defenders to get back into position. I Wanna Thank him for a sensational third 3-0

 

usually I'd be doing a different activity whilst watching such sexy swedish total football, so I think my fingers are thankful for the comparative respite

82nd minute: Broberg off to a round of applause from the assembled extras for every Nazi movie that's ever been filmed. Radetinac on instead!

 

Something else thankful for the respite too no doubt.

 

88th minute: Radetinac picks up where Broberg left off, lounging down the right before putting in a lovely cross, which Ibra's sexy cousin heads powerfully just over, after muscling two of Halmstad's defenders out the way. Ibra's sexy cousin may also be Andy Carroll's Swedish half-brother...

 

93rd minute: More Pards-esque play, as a long ball into the box is almost volleyed in by Captain Johansson, but it flashes across the despairing dive of the keeper and just past the post.

And that's it, a wonderful performance by Djurgarden IF, 3-0, and my weekend saved