1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1901
    Didley Squat, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    As i lay in bed,i felt a hand slowly reach down my boxer shorts, play with my balls and stroke my pecker. It was nice but i wasn't in the mood." Not tonight", I whispered. "I'm tired"........
    "It doesn't f*cking work like that in here" , said my cell mate!!..
     
    #1902
    Didley Squat, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
    She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
    She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
    Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
    "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
    "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
    "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
     
    #1903
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    I sometimes think about how much I miss my happy times at school: forcing new pupils heads down the toilet and flushing it, banging on classroom doors in the science block to get chased by the teachers, having a sneaky fag round the back of the bike sheds; and, of course standing in the queue with the rest of the lads to get a blow job from Nikki big tits of the sixth form. I loved that caretaker's job.
     
    #1904
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?..When i was ten-years old,i saw two dogs shagging in the street,and asked my mum what they were doing."Dancing" she replied.

    The first school disco i went to,i got f*cking expelled!!
     
    #1905
    Didley Squat, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    I 'phoned a Chinese restaurant last night, and the man who answered said "Hello, I'm Wan King the chef".

    "No worries" I said, "I'll call back later"
     
    #1906
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window.

    Bloody toot and car moon!
     
    #1907
    kiwiqpr, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Not to be missed, today, DFS 30th anniversary closing down sale.
     
    #1908
    kiwiqpr, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door.I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered............. Proud to be Royal Mail.
     
    #1909
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  10. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2012
    Messages:
    24,725
    Likes Received:
    59,017
    After an argument, I bought my wife some flowers and she replied sarcastically..........
    "Suppose l'll have to spread my legs for these?"
    I said, "Why, haven't you got a vase big enough?"
     
    #1910
    kiwiqpr, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    I was driving through town last week when I saw a big fat American stood in the middle of the road.
    I ran straight over him.
    I could have gone around him but I didn't know whether I had enough petrol.
     
    #1911
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Some girls beg & some girls borrow,
    Some girls lead & some girls follow,
    Some bring joy & some bring sorrow,
    But all the best girls suck then swallow.
     
    #1912
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains.
    As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver,
    "I have a dead p*ssy."
    The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said,
    "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."
     
    #1913
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1914
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1915
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1916
    San Diego, Didley Squat and kiwiqpr like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll f*cking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't f*cking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me either."

    "F*cking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
     
    #1917
    kiwiqpr, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about
    his pregnant wife, but accidently called the cricket stadium.
    He asks, “Hows the situation?”
    He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.
    They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!"
     
    #1918
    kiwiqpr, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1919
    San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,807
    Likes Received:
    262,439
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1920
    kiwiqpr, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.

Share This Page