As i lay in bed,i felt a hand slowly reach down my boxer shorts, play with my balls and stroke my pecker. It was nice but i wasn't in the mood." Not tonight", I whispered. "I'm tired"........ "It doesn't f*cking work like that in here" , said my cell mate!!..
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
I sometimes think about how much I miss my happy times at school: forcing new pupils heads down the toilet and flushing it, banging on classroom doors in the science block to get chased by the teachers, having a sneaky fag round the back of the bike sheds; and, of course standing in the queue with the rest of the lads to get a blow job from Nikki big tits of the sixth form. I loved that caretaker's job.
Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?..When i was ten-years old,i saw two dogs shagging in the street,and asked my mum what they were doing."Dancing" she replied. The first school disco i went to,i got f*cking expelled!!
I 'phoned a Chinese restaurant last night, and the man who answered said "Hello, I'm Wan King the chef". "No worries" I said, "I'll call back later"
Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window. Bloody toot and car moon!
So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door.I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered............. Proud to be Royal Mail.
After an argument, I bought my wife some flowers and she replied sarcastically.......... "Suppose l'll have to spread my legs for these?" I said, "Why, haven't you got a vase big enough?"
I was driving through town last week when I saw a big fat American stood in the middle of the road. I ran straight over him. I could have gone around him but I didn't know whether I had enough petrol.
Some girls beg & some girls borrow, Some girls lead & some girls follow, Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, But all the best girls suck then swallow.
An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll f*cking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't f*cking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me either." "F*cking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife, but accidently called the cricket stadium. He asks, “Hows the situation?” He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply. They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!"