The barnsley joke page

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I was reading this book today,
The History Of Glue.
I couldn"t put it down.

 

Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some Canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year!

Surely 90% of men in Manchester do that every weekend?

 

It was time for Father John"s Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John"s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I"ve been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard," exclaimed the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel"s Horn and I"ve been blowing it for 40 years."

 

Mother Superior calls two novices to her office." "Due to the outbreak of flu I can't send any one out to buy the groceries, so I must send you two. Be on your best behaviour ,here's the list and the money, come straight back."
On the return journey they find a porn magazine, one of them hides it in her habit to smuggle back in to read later.
The mother superior is doing her rounds later in the day, and on passing the novicies quarters hears giggles and sighs from within.
She catches them with the porn mag and scolds them.
Go and do 10000 Hail Mary's then report to me in my office,I will have thought up a suitable punishment for you ,you wicked girls.
The girl got the Hell Mary's done quicker than the mother superior expected and they caught her giving herself one with a large carrot whilst reading the mag. "ooh mother what are you doing?" they asked
Thinking fast M.S replied, "The vegetable peeler has broken down and I am having to improvise" Now as a punishment you can spend ten days in the kitchen preparing the vegetables and scrubbing the floors ,so away with you.
Keen to see that the girls were obeying her the M.S went to the kitchen and was puzzled at the ooh,s and ah.s and sounds of pure ecstacy coming from within.
On entering she found all the kitchen staff "peeling" different veggies. Then she saw the two novices at it as well, they were bright red in the face and sweating very very heavily.
MY goodness stop this at once you sinful people. "Novices what are you doing?"
"The f*cking chillies ma'm, It's curry night tonight they replied."

 

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The new Dr Who is starting with a 2 hour long special, it'll take her that long to park the f*cking Tardis!

 

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